I bought a house with a garden and sold my flat. The buyer was a foreign worker who had been renting until then. He doesn’t speak Italian, but he makes himself understood when he wants to.

A few days after the sale, he called me asking for a document he needed. Many exchanges later, it was established that he needed the floor plan, with quotes. Cue a lot of “I already gave it to you” “no you didn’t” back and forth.

Luckily for me, I had a scan saved, so I printed it on my ancient greyscale printer and went to meet him.

Me: “Hello [Buyer], here is a scan of the plan you needed. I don’t have anything else, so keep it in a safe place, okay? Now, you’ll see that this wall marked here does not exist…”

Buyer: “Yes, yes, it was red.”

A-ha!

Me: “Where it was red?”

Buyer: “On the… paper…”

Me: “Oops.”

Looks like someone did have that paper after all… 

Our last interaction was just as surreal…

Buyer: *On the phone.* “[My Name]! The window broke, you must fix.”

We managed to establish that the window itself is fine: just the roller belt wore out and snapped, as it is wont to do.

Me: “I see. Say, when you lived in [previously rented house], who fixed window?”

Buyer: “Landlord.”

I highly doubt that, but meh.

Me: “Are you paying rent in there?”

Buyer: “No…?”

Me: “Congratulations! You have become a landlord, and now you can fix your windows. I left fifty meters of spare roller belt in the garage. Bye!”

I have no doubt we were going to have lots of similar conversations in the future, so I blocked his number after that.

I work in a bar, and a lady orders two chardonnays, one with ice and one without. I ask a server to bring it over, and within two minutes the lady who ordered the wine is back at the bar. She slams the glasses down on my (marble, mind you) bar top. Somewhat impressed with the strength of the glassware, I look at her.

Me: “What can I do for you?”

Customer: *Almost yelling.* “My friend’s glass is fuller! I want more wine too!”

She points at the glass with more ice. It appears, due to displacement of the wine due to the ice, in case you didn’t already grasp this, to be fuller.

I look at the glass for a second, then at her to make sure she is being serious. Oh boy, she was.

Me: “Both have 120ml of wine.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you! They’re different!”

Me: “This specific wine comes from a wine tap, which is unable to give the wrong amount of wine.”

She points at the glass with ice again and says, indicating the difference by pointing out how high the wine goes up the glass:

Customer: “LOOK! This one goes up to here; this one goes only up to there!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you know what liquid displacement is?”

I knew she wouldn’t have a clue what I meant, but I couldn’t resist.

Anyway, I ended up grabbing a bar spoon and fishing out the ice cubes. After agreeing with her that now both glasses had the same amount of wine, I added in some fresh ice and asked her to visually verify. 

She walked out with the glasses of wine and seemed to agree, but I just know she thought I was f****** with her still.

I once had a woman call me when I worked for an ISP.

Caller: “My Internet has gone out.”

Me: “What lights are shining on your modem?”

Caller: “None.”

Me: “Is it plugged in?”

Caller: “Of course not, it’s wireless.”

She’s not even taken it out of the box. She just set the modem in the box in her closet, and expected it would just start absorbing electricity from the air.

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not how any electronics work, let alone a modem.”

Caller: “It’s been working for months!”

Me: “You’ve had internet access at home? For months?”

Caller: “Yes! Until yesterday!”

Me: “Are you in a house or apartment?”

Caller: “Apartment.”

Me: “Did a neighbor move out yesterday?”

Caller: “How did you know that?!”

Yup. The guy next door had moved out, and her internet stopped working about the same time. Turns out she was just using his unsecured connection this whole time.

I take some time to explain all this to her. Is she grateful that I’ve been able to get her up to speed?

Caller: “You mean I’ve been paying for a service I haven’t been using? I want a refund!”

You just can’t win…

I used to work in the sporting goods department of the local superstore. A customer calls because her husband is struggling to build the treadmill they bought that morning.

Wife: “Can’t you just come here and build it for us?”

Me: “No ma’am, we can’t do that, but if you get the instructions, I can maybe help your husband understand them better.”

Wife: “Instructions?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, there should be a little book that comes with it that gives detailed directions on how to put it together.”

Wife: “He don’t read book.”

Yes, she said it just like that.

Me: “Well, I suggest he read it, and it should help with building it.”

Wife: “Okay, but he won’t be happy.”

By the end of the day, the couple was back in the store with a ripped-open treadmill box and various parts of a treadmill randomly thrown inside.

Wife: “We want a refund. Building it was too hard.”

I notice that the instruction booklet is still sealed in the envelope along with the warranty paperwork.

Me: “Did he read the instruction book?”

Husband: “I don’t read, and any company that forces me to read doesn’t get my business!”

My manager accepted the return, and I didn’t make any sound when he asked the husband to read the return paperwork and sign it, which he did without hesitation, of course.

I’m in the break room. Two coworkers are talking about their weekends.

Coworker #1: “I went to see a movie. The Backrooms.”

Coworker #2: “That’s the name of the movie? The Backrooms?!”

Coworker #1: “Yeah. It’s about this weird alternate dimension full of… well… back rooms… that go on forever.”

Coworker #2: “Oh, so kind of what our customers think our backroom must be like.”

Coworker #1: “Actually… yeah! Except in this one it’s got monsters wandering around and stuff.”

Coworker #2: “Ah, the analogy falls apart. Our monsters all come in through the front…”