Should I? Should I just stand up and walk? Should I just remain seated and watch the ride? Should I give up, and let the devil behind me slit my very own throat? We are not programmed for self-preservation.. We are programmed for self-destruction...

I have had an extensive increase of stress recently. Not one that was slow and steady, but instant and sharp. Neither good for health of myself or others.. Honestly, this world is just too much, and without my usual hideaways, I come closer to the lost. My only ways of becoming stress-free are effectively gone now. Here, I cannot create, I cannot enjoy, I cannot be freed from the limitations of individuals outside myself. I cannot be who I am, not anymore.

Who I am.. Is someone nobody would accept. That, is why I cannot be myself, not anywhere or anytime, never..

Maybe I should have remained in that instance, sitting still before the blade coming toward myself. I should have.. Before that would be my judgment, and my judgment would be swift, I would go to Hell. I would be gone, and my family who will never truly back me up would live their lives with Hell's Devils clawing at their backs.

They would see why I try so hard to avoid people..

I've been working on another website design, this time I am working with Kate on it. So far it's okay, but the graphics will probably get a makeover. I still need to get a few things set up with it before I go into anything deeper. Just such a pain, but fun too.

Does that make me masochistic?

The website's content and purpose is going to be secret for now, because until everything's in stone it is open to so many problems. Specifically that of idiots who think they can do it better. Really need to get all the paperwork put together too..

That's all for now.

I just stole Kirby's theme style. Because I needed something new. Yeah, I got kinda tired of the little fox, and am feeling very pink.

And thus, pink. Like Kirby =p

I've been trying to find a way of placing our town better than Mabase. I figured it appears as an empty blossom on a sakura tree. People outside see it as a perfect place to get away from the city. Of course they are unknowing of the fact it is slow and has practically nothing. I guess in that case maybe sakura wouldn't be right.

I could always go with Mabase still, but it's not fitting in truth because in Mabase, they get Haruko. And here we have.. Nothing. We called it Hell for a while before, but it's not really torturous enough to consider it Hell-like. I guess if it were Hell my wireless system would be Satan ─anyways...

I just can't seem to place it, guess it's staying Mabase for a while.

So I got hosted with a friend of mine, so I can practice my website programming and design ─which still sucks by the way. It's a fairly roomy host spot with an extension URL, which is fine since it wont be a heavy target visitor area. The primary pieces are CSS, PHP, XHTML, etc. The basics for any website design really. I just suck mostly at the graphics part. Especially on this bulky machine at my grandmother's house.

My main goal I guess for the site is to produce what would be a cute-ish interactive interface for my own lil' corner of the net design group. Of course there's only myself, and Tom ─he's the hoster. He is my tutor you could say, and helps me out when I ask about something. Pretty awesome dude too.

Anyways, I should get around to coding..

My grandmother asked me to help set up a new patio set earlier today (as I had said in the previous post), because her sister smashed the old one by accident. I decided to go help after my sister said she'd be helping, I'm too lazy to assemble satanic chairs alone. When we finished we sat down and talked about the set being demonic, then rushed inside to think of something to eat.

I suggested we make teriyaki chicken and rice. It was a good idea, because everyone liked it (fortunately). While I assured the way to make it, my sister wound up cooking mostly. She just hopped on it while I was afraid of messing up. She had decided to add in some broccoli, which added to the flavor and texture of the meal. Anyways, to say the least, it was fulfilling to taste the bounty of both furniture assembled in sweltering heat, and a meal cooked over more heat.

Today was better than usual, for once something actually happened.

So I woke up today, from the rude sound of a call from my grandmother trying to bribe me into putting together new furniture with a meal. I responded simply that it was rude to wake someone up ─regardless if your life is in danger or not. I then went up stairs to log in, check the net and all that jazz, and come across new posts to my favorite teacher's column, 20/Infinity.

I read the column post, and through it all I grinned widely ─not because of the bad news in it, but the knowledge that is dispensed. All the knowledge in that post is what I've said for decades basically. The library is a holy place of knowledge. The only place where everything is sacred for eternity. Of course, not only are schools killing them off, the government and plenty of other places are killing them off. Our last sacred zone of intelligence in the United States is falling into a hole, dug by the citizens who chose to avoid knowledge.

Anyways, you can read his post HERE.

Have yourselves a good day, and oh yeah ─Go read a book.

In the anime FLCL the city's name is Mabase. It's a city where nothing amazing ever happens. It's very much like my own city. Both have factories that fire out plumes of smoke at specific times every day, a populus of uninteresting characters, and a whole lotta empty space where nothing happens.

If only this city had battle robots and stuff like in FLCL though, that'd liven it up a bit. At the least, for the few of us who would act on such instances. Sadly, such things are non-existant in our case. Our city will just go on being a place where nothing amazing happens..

Since my sister moved out, our house has an empty room in it that is supposed to become my room. Only problem is it is incomplete and needs repair/upgrades. We need to totally rewire the electrical, clean up the floors and walls and redo the lighting. Getting that done is even harder, my father's the only one here who has the skill, and he's lazy and wont do anything about it. So I am stuck in my currently cramped, horrible room until he decides he wants to do work.

But, I was thinking of having them do a style that was for my own likings. I was thinking of one of the classical Japanese rooms, with the bamboo matting and the other things that would make it more authentic. Honestly, it's a style I have not been far from repeating elsewhere in time. I never did care for raised beds, tall dressers, all that stuff that's arbitrary and unnecessary furniture in a room. If I had the capability to, I'd toss out my current furniture just to get shortened furniture. At least it feels better sitting on the floor instead of in these horrid chairs.

Anyways, so I am going to push for the completion ─or at least betterment, of that room so that I may move into it.

I've always been a indecisive person. People have disliked me for that, because my indecision often leads to me not agreeing or disagreeing with them on things. Really though, being indecisive ─while tough to keep to, is a sort of safety that is rare to find.

People often ask me what I think of them or their style or opinions. That is something I evade with indecision the most. It's not my job to tell them what to choose, it is their own. I never could choose someone's tracks for them; It's too much responsibility. I guess that's why I also don't have good luck with love. While I could decide I love them, I couldn't decide what is best for them ─or myself. Life in the end is a challenge, game or not, it is a challenge. Decisions lead to outcomes, and more decisions. You open a door, and a room with others is there ─decide the door, and you will come to another room with doors, until you reach the end room, where there is no door left.

I guess, maybe I am just afraid the doors will close, and never open.