LOCAL BOYFRIEND Tom Murray has backed himself into a corner after showcasing an ecstatic display of joy upon seeing his takeaway delivery driver marching up the driveway, WWN can reveal.

“What is it he’s got that I haven’t? You never smile like that when I’m coming up to the house,” queried Rachel Kelly, as Murray resisted the urge to say ‘pizza’.

Sprinting from the sitting room and into the hall like the female lead in a romance movie as she makes a desperate attempt to reach the love of her life before he boards a plane to the other side of the world, Murray suppressed the urge to burst into tears while opening his front door to a glorious vision of Romesh, his usual delivery driver.

“Ah now that’s not fair, Rachel, you come up the driveway with a face like thunder after another day with those wet wipes you work with, whereas Romesh brings a Pepperoni Passion, that’s hardly on me now is it?” Murray pleaded with Kelly, the apparent second love of his life.

Murray also referenced the fact that the delivery driver always pulls the pizza from his heat-controlled food pouch with the flair and panache of a Las Vegas magician, or someone showing off the Holy Grail itself.

“Now I’m not saying I don’t get those butterflies in my stomach when I see you, love, but you’ve learned to accept I’m not Austin Butler and I think it’s time you accepted nothing eclipses being

THE HARD work of quickly removing wildfire coverage from all new and soon-to-be-renewed travel insurance policies has begun across the industry in response to wildfires raging in Spain, France and elsewhere.

“It was a shock to us, the last thing you want to do as an insurance company is provide cover that could actually be used and claimed by customers, that’s the last thing this game is about,” confirmed one insurer as they became adept at hitting the delete key on mention of wildfires in all policy documents.

“It’s all hands on deck, it’s lovely to see when something catastrophic like this happens the legal team has came in on the weekend to see about pulling the whole ‘act of God’ fast one,” confirmed another industry leader.

Holiday makers have been urged to double check their policies for sneaky clauses and terms and conditions designed to ensure that when insurance is needed most, it;s not there.

“What the fuck? I’m only covered for theft if the person who robs me doesn’t have a vowel in their in their first name or surname,” one exasperated customer shared.

Meanwhile, some people are taking the news over 300,000 people in France and Spain have had to be evacuated in their stride.

“Ah, it’s fine, I don’t know why you are all acting like this isn’t a very normal snd typical event,” confirmed one Spanish man and climate change denier as he refused to be rescued from the middle of a forest engulfed in flames.

SICK of being sucked into an all-night session, local couple Gerry and Clare Riestard now rely on a professional buzz kill to sit down beside them and deliver reasons they should go home after a certain number of pints.

“Our local is like a vortex that just sucks you in, so we hired Martin and we haven’t looked back since,” Gerry explains.

Teetotaller Martin Tobin launched his buzz kill service in 2024, guaranteeing clients he will have them home early and hangover free for just €29.99 per month.

“I tell them stuff like ‘you’re robbing the best years of your children’s lives by being hungover’ and generally become a nag for an hour until they leave the pub,” revealed Tobin, who now has over 100 subscribers. “I was always a dry shite and known for being a buzz kill, so I said why not put it to good use and help other people.”

The 50-year-old entrepreneur has had some push back from publicans and is already barred from several premises.

“I’ve had to hire on other buzz killers, which I source from local accountants, compliance officers and lads who do triathlons, or anyone who starts a sentence with ‘actually, alcohol is a depressant’.”

In tougher cases, Tobin has to bring out the big guns.

“If the usual guilt tripping doesn’t work I whip out my solar app and start talking about my solar panels and usage. I don’t like having to do that, but sometimes clients can be gone too far and this works every single time. Nobody has ever made it past the inverter comparison chat.”

GARDAÍ have announced positive inroads in their battle against scooters, with a tactical anti-scooter unit repossessing German techno act Scooter at 10.37am.

The operation involved 70 gardaí and 140 ear plugs, with cooperation between Interpol and German Bundeskriminalamt security services.

“What are you complaining about now? Can ye not celebrate some positive news, a win is win, one less scooter on the roads,” an irritated garda spokesperson said earlier today at a specially convened press conference.

“Let that be a lesson to every little scut out there, this Scooter had no insurance, anyone who had the idea to try and jump on him and go scooting about, those days are over,” added the spokesgarda as they pointed to an evidence table containing 62-year-old Hans Peter Geerdes also known as the lead singer of Scooter.

It is not yet clear if gardaí plan to confiscate any other major Europop acts from the last 30 years, but sources close to WWN suggest Cascada has not been seen in days and may have gone into hiding.

WHILE TRINITY students and alumni had hoped to celebrate the news that Jonathan Anderson will be bringing a Dior fashion show to Trinity College, the joy was short-lived as SETU, the artist formerly known as Waterford Institute of Technology, has stolen their thunder.

“Technically it’s not an official Ben Sherman show, it’s just a coincidence the charity shop had a load of them shirts, but I think it still sends a message to the big guns in Dublin, you’re not the only one who grab the fashion world’s attention,” explained head of events at SETU Callie O’Brien.

Few things could upstage a French fashion house landing in Dublin but SETU’s announcement that they will have 20-30 awkward young men between the ages of 18 and 22 walking the cat walk in a manner that makes you question if they’ve ever used their limbs before has done just that.

“There’s at least seven lads named Cormac in our line up, each of them, more ungainly than the next and similarly challenged when it comes to wearing the correct sized jeans and belts, I’d like to see Dior one-up that,” added O’Brien, who said construction of a runway made out of pallets and MDF is underway.

Some may feel Dior will take no heed of SETU’s plans, but inside sources paint a completely different picture.

“Poor Jonathan wants to cancel the whole thing, I couldn’t really hear him through the room he locked himself in, but over the tears I think he said those bastards nailed it, ’empty post-opulance Culchie Cringe Core’ will be next season’s must have trend’,” shared one insider.

THE global elite have been reduced to suing a popular wedding hotel in County Wicklow over the cancellation of a secretive invite-only conference which will now be subject to full public court filing, transcripts and reporting in the High Court.

Peter Thiel, who openly calls for the abolition of governments and the establishment of techno-feudalism, has suddenly discovered a respect for democracy in the form of the Irish State’s courts, all in the hopes of some form of liability settlement enforced by the legal system of a democratic state.

“I’m sure they’ll give him his deposit back if that helps. Just a shame he has to use the system he so hates to save face,” an anonymous Powerscourt source told WWN. “Like, the last Dialog summit in Powerscourt in 2018 went off without a hitch and Peter loved the Japanese Gardens peasant hunt we set up for them, he’s basically a regular so no wonder he’s pissed, he’ll just have to lecture people on the existence of the Anti-Christ elsewhere.”

Thiel, who probably spend a lot of time in his office practicing phrenology by measuring the skulls of ethnic minorities, has a net worth of around $27 billion and is believed to have launched a million-euro-plus dispute in the Irish High Court, the equivalent of an hour’s work he does for the Israeli military.

The cancelled event drew criticism over the involvement of the controversial tech billionaire and his company Palantir’s links to the Israeli and US militaries, and Thiel’s reputation for being a bit of a cunt in general.

WEIGHING up whether it will be worth grounding helicopter pilots battling a huge blaze on Slievenamon, local drone enthusiast Tadhg Maher insisted they can simply work around him.

“Honestly we don’t mind sharing the airspace with a DJI Mini 3 if it means he gets 400 Instagram views, as long as he lets us know when to stop fighting the fire between fly-overs,” confirmed one of the pilots involved, who has already had to ground the craft used to drop water onto the inferno.

“They should have quenched it by now anyway,” Maher said defending his actions, after being told numerous times to ‘just fucking stop’. “Just wait until people see the grainy footage when I put the song Slievenamon over it. It’ll be a real tear jerker and a sure-fire engagement getter.”

Crews are spending a fifth day tackling the blaze on the Tipperary mountain, which spread to an adjoining forest on Wednesday, an escalation Maher is looking forward to later tonight.

“The nighttime shot of that will be class,” Maher added, as various wildlife scurried past his position in a bid to escape the flames while firefighters on the ground shouted at him once again to get away from the area.

Elsewhere, some lad heading camping up to his local mountain with a disposable BBQ is probably nothing to worry about.

PAUL CLEARY won his bid to fast track his case to heard by the highest court for human rights in Europe.

Naming not only his employer but the Irish State in his filing, Cleary alleges it is a gross abuse of his human rights to be rostered to work when Mayo are playing Kerry in the All-Ireland final this Sunday.

“These days don’t come around every year, watching Mayo losing an All-Ireland final is a basic human right any Mayo native is entitled to, but the fact I work in Dublin under a Dublin boss, there’s a clear discrimination at work” said Cleary, a maintenance engineer at a large Dublin firm.

Cleary says an initial offer of ‘sticking the radio on in the background’ shows his employers’ failure to accept the gravity of the situation, and what suffering fulfilling his shift would impose upon him.

“I’ve been told on advice from my counsel not to compare my horrid plight to any of the wars or killings going on around the world but arragh, this is worse than anything anyone has ever had to go through, the inhumanity of some people,” continued Cleary in a rousing speech.

“Yes, we hear of this Mayo, this sort of bad luck can only be generated by a thousand gypsy witches. Normally, the Mayo people before us beg us to be locked away in a room with no light or sound so they are not tortured by another final loss. You are a masochist, no?” shared Judge Gorzad Nikolovski as he deliberated Cleary’s pleas for the day off.

A judgement is expected later today which will also consider Cleary’s request for a doctor’s note for a month on the piss should Mayo finally win.

MIRACULOUSLY lifting his mood through the simple act of pub-based urination, one local man has reported having ‘endless fun’ pursuing and dousing an orphaned chewing gum left in the urinal by its previous occupant.

“Hehehe,” confirmed local man Chris Hacklin as his strong flow of urination caused the chewing gum to bounce and dance around the urinal, with the 28-year-old imagining the chewing gum was fleeing in panic from endless sniper fire.

“Aw,” added Hacklin as the relief from emptying his bladder mixed with the joy of pursuing the chewing gum.

“I’m a fireman putting out a wild fire,” Hacklin announced to himself in his head, “you’ve had enough pal, I’ll have to cut you off,” added Hacklin, this time out loud, mimicking a barman cutting off a patron who has had one too many.

Hacklin then laughed to himself as zipped himself up and walked towards the sink to pretend to wash his hands, marveling at how effective he is at amusing himself sometimes.

UPDATE: Hacklin is disappointed to report that on subsequent visits to the same urinal it appears the chewing gum is no longer present.

TAOISEACH MICHEÁL Martin has traveled to Ukraine to meet with Volodymyr Zelensky to pledge Europe’s continued support for the country, however, ulterior motives for the visit soon emerged.

“Yeah, yeah you said that already about sacking key military figures, the protests, the Russia of it all, can I just ask… your fancy drones, can they be programmed for weeding out specific activity?” queried the Taoiseach as a weary and tired Zelensky sighed.

The Taoiseach further clarified his remarks, outlining that he didn’t want vacant properties drone bombed, although now that you mention it, rather, he was merely inquiring as to it capabilities in regards to people who insist on highlighting government malaise during a housing crisis.

“And while I have you, now this wouldn’t be anything at all to do with you and your situation but say we had a plant or the like, and people were saying stuff like ‘it’s being used to help a country wage an illegal invasion in Europe’, would a drone to be able to zero in on them types if we got their location. Causing me an awful headache so they are,” continued the Taoiseach.

“Decimated is it? Dead are they? Anyway, come here to me, can you drone bomb a report into alumina and that craic, if it’s findings are a little tricky for you?”