(cache)Everyday Misandry

9d ago

So I’m a survivor of abuse by a female who was my ex gf, and this happened to me a little more than a year ago. I’m about 99% over it, I’ve moved on but ONE thing that still sticks with me is how deeply invalidating of an experience it was. I still can’t really get by that. When I say this, I’m not even talking about my abuser. I have honestly reached the point where I no longer feel anything when I think of her which is HUGE growth because this time last year up until about about a week ago I would go through moments of extreme rage, shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc. But now thank god I understand what people mean when they say that you’ll know you’ve healed when you can think of said person and not feel anything towards them whatsoever. No anger, no sadness, nothing. And I know I’m not emotionally numbed because I just said I went through more than a year of feeling a storm of emotions until like last week lmao. But the ONE thing I still think of is how I honestly wasn’t believed by the law when it happened.

For context, She put a false rape allegation on me and her objective was to get a restraining order on me. We lived together and she was very abusive and she was cheating as well which I didn’t know about. She was gonna try to get rid of me and replace me with her ex bf because she was convinced I was cheating(I wasn’t, this was projection by her). Why she couldn’t just break up with me like a normal human being would? She was bpd with narc and sociopathic traits so she basically felt a scorched earth policy was the only way it could be done since I had hurt her ego, as i had reached a point where I was tired of the abuse and just didn’t want anything to do with her anymore.

Since she put the allegation on me I had to go to court to fight it and this is where things get interesting. She came into court and when we stepped up front for our case which I didn’t even think she was going to go through with by the way because of the fact that she literally threatened me through text that if I didn’t leave the house she would tell the courts I raped her, so she was using the false allegation as like leverage over my head. I ended up leaving and she told me if I left before the trial date she would cancel it and no one would have to be hurt….i did leave because the psychological terror was breaking me down and I didn’t want to be in the house and have her emotionally unstable, crazy ass have the key to the place where I lay my head down at night. She was acting like she was demonically possessed or some shit and so I left like she wanted….none of this ever happened which is why we still ended up in the courtroom.

Anyway, she spoke to the judge first and of course immediately starts with the crocodile tears. Claiming that I beat her and intimidate her with my shadowboxing(I’m an amateur Muay Thai fighter, very sporty athletic guy, and I had my first fight coming up so I had ramped up my training a lot so yes I did shadowbox but I never once laid hands on her and never did anything to intimidate her) so I’m just standing there, amazed, listening to everything she’s saying to the judge, completely shocked someone could lie so well in a moment like this, thinking about all the other men who have had this happen to them who said there are women out here that do this and I’m just like I NEVER thought I’d become prey to one of them….The interesting thing is AT THIS POINT I knew that she was cheating behind my back but SHE didn’t know I knew because I had been in contact with the ex she was trying to replace me with! Can you imagine standing there, seeing the woman you loved blatantly lie to the judge to ruin your life, by saying you beat and raped her, and the WHOLE time not only is it NOT true but you know THE REAL REASON WHY SHES DOING IT AND SHE HAS NO CLUE THAT YOU KNOW AS WELL AS HER EX AND HER EX FIANCE(we had made a group chat at the point, they were her past victims so they knew how crazy she is. They even said the behavior I got from her in 2-3 months was way worse than anything they received in the year to two years they were each with her). It was surreal lmao.

We got the point where she claimed that I made her feel unsafe and as “proof” she went into our texts and she downloaded a video of me REACTING to the abuse she had been putting me through for days at that point, reactive abuse, and showed it to the judge! I’m not gonna lie, in that video I was spazzing but I didn’t touch her, I was actually driving home but I was speeding cause I was having a meltdown and I was upset(I’m ADHD with some autism traits as well). As for why I sent her that video, I will admit it was foolish but I think what it was is, when you’re dating an abusive person they destroy your self confidence and they are very inconsistent with care and affection that they give you, that’s actually what makes you hooked to them. And so you start to do things for their attention. I think that video I sent was a cry for her attention in all honesty, I wanted some type of proof that she cared about me. Anyone that knows me knows the SHEER AMOUNT of shit and mistreatment it takes to get me to spaz which is why my mom, though ofc she would be bias, when I showed her that video she knew I was innocent because she can maybe count on one finger the amount of times she’s ever seen me get close to that and it was the other persons fault.

Here’s the craziest part of it all. When it became mind turn to speak, I’m shocked and scared as hell cause for 1. You have to remember she told me that if I left the house, which I did, she was gonna cancel the trial date. So I’m there eyes on me and they’re waiting to hear me speak and I’m completely unprepared, I gathered NO defense, there were crucial texts that she left out in some of her “evidence” that would’ve showed how much of an asshole she was to me but of course she cropped it out and in court you can’t use your phone so it’s not like I can show them the rest of the texts so they can have context, and 2. For a man, the having a woman falsely claim you raped her is one of our worst nightmares. I quite literally can’t believe this shit is happening to me lmao. And so the first thing I thought to do, having no defense was to tell the judge my side of the story and hope she would just take me at my word. I told her that the video of me speeding was extremely irresponsible and I’ll take that on the chin but in that video at that point I was having a meltdown because she had been verbally abusing me all day through text. And I swear on my life, God as my witness, the judge, who was a woman by the way, goes “it’s not verbal abuse if it’s through text….” JUST COMPLETELY DISMISSED AND INVALIDATED MY EXPERIENCE IN LESS THAT TWO SECONDS. THE VERY THING MEN ALWAYS SAY HAPPENS AND WOMEN WILL BE THE FIRST ONE TO DENY IT. THE VERY THING THAT STOPS US FROM OPENING UP TO PEOPLE ABOUT SHIT BECAUSE NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY. I literally had to change the wording from verbal abuse, which is what it was, to “cyber bullying” because that was the only way I felt that the judge would even hear me out. I had to fight just to get my experience heard, while she could come into the court, lie, fake emotional distress, fake cry(it was VERY GOOD fake crying I do have to admit, we need to all give her a round of applause for that👏🏾💀 like I’ve never seen anything like that from someone who’s not an actress, she really should consider becoming one)and instantly the judge is handing the sheriffs tissues to give to her, and they’re trying to console her, but the minute the man speaks? Empathy turns off immediately. Lmao most ridiculous experience I’ve ever had.

Sorry for this being so long, just something that’s been on my mind for a minute and I just had to get it off my chest, and I thought you guys would be interested to know this story since you all are TRULY pretty supportive of men’s struggles. Quick summary of how everything ended: basically since I was unprepared the ONLY thing that saved me is she didn’t have any solid evidence that I had raped her, because it never happened, we were in a relationship so we were having consensual sex but I never once forced myself on her, or beat her either. She wasn’t the smartest about the allegation, probably the BPD and impulsiveness that comes with splitting and stuff cause they don’t think very far ahead about things. What’s scary is if she actually knew how to sit down and plan out shit when she’s vengeful she could’ve easily went and got a rape kit done after we had consensual sex one day and then used that as a “he raped me here’s the proof” as when you have sex with someone you leave DNA, and I would’ve been like wtf???? And my ass would’ve been cooked. So in a twisted way her BPD/ narcissism, ASPD traumatized me but it actually was the same thing that saved me in the end because she didn’t think things through. She was too impulsive lmao. She did get a NC order on me though and though it hurt that helped me in the end and hurt her because it helped me break the addiction I had to her since I could no longer speak to her, and she lost another relationship and source of attention, people with those disorders thought they’ll immediately get a new one and replace you essentially retraumatize themselves everytime they lose a relationship. Only thing I went through was withdrawal symptoms because yes dealing with people like that is literally like a drug addiction, it’s scary.

To the young men out there man, learn from my mistakes, don’t confuse intense passion with genuine connection and compatibility. Take your time when your dating these women out here cause some of them are bad news and because of the world we live in today where men are constantly under the microscope because of the bad ones among us, people don’t like when you mention the bad women. If I were to mention this on a sub full of women they’d tear into me. Where in a day and age now where you can’t criticize women so we gotta do it in private and make sure you guys are still getting taught this stuff so you can avoid the ones that don’t deserve you. I know it’s hard to date nowadays cause so many people are emotionally unavailable, toxic, etc. Don’t settle for that shit. Learn to be on your own. In Spanish there’s a saying “Mas vale solo que mal acompañado” it’s better to be alone than be with bad company. I promise you this is so fucking true…please listen, I know this was long asf but if you made it this far thank you and take this story with you cause it’s real shit💯