I worked the IT helpdesk at my office complex. I had a ticket assigned to me where I had to phone the user and check if the problem was fixed. I called him to ask.

User: “Oh, I’m driving at the moment.”

Me: “Ha, I guess that means you can’t check your computer. Can I schedule a call with you for when you’re back in your office later?”

We scheduled it for that afternoon. After I ended the call, a bunch of managers jumped on my call notes.

Manager #1: “It’s unacceptable that the ticket is still active.”

Manager #2: “It looks bad for our metrics.”

Me: “He was driving!”

Manager #1: “Then you should have cancelled the ticket because the client was ‘refusing assistance’. This really doesn’t look good for your numbers.”

Me: “Is my job to fix people’s computers? Or is it to make the stats look good?”

Both managers had to think about that for a minute, which was worrying in itself.

I’m working in a hotel restaurant. A large group has just enjoyed a late-night Sunday dinner.

Guest: “Charge it all to me at [room number].”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

Guest: “And the cocktail was lovely. Can you send a couple of glasses up to my room?”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

This is all squared away, and I continue my business. The restaurant closes at 11 PM, and we go about our cleaning duties. The kitchen stays partially open for late-night room service until 2 AM, and I take a call from a guest expecting one of those.

Guest: “Hello! I had a couple of glasses of [Cocktail] brought up to my room earlier, and they were delicious! I’d like two more!”

Me: “I remember, sir, and I am happy you enjoyed them. Unfortunately, as it is now 1 AM, we’re unable to serve any more liquor until tomorrow.”

Guest: “If it’s past midnight, then it’s already tomorrow!”

Me: “We’ll be able to serve liquor again when alcohol service resumes tomorrow morning. Also, it would be illegal in the state of Utah for me to bring any liquor up to your room right now.”

Guest: “You kidding?! Back home I can drink until 2 AM!”

Me: “This is state law in Utah, sir.”

Guest: “I knew something was up when my minibar only had sodas!”

Me: “I can bring you any non-alcoholic drink, sir. I can even make a non-alcoholic version of that cocktail if you—”

Guest: “—Bring me two of those cocktails, with alcohol, and I’ll tip you a hundred.”

Me: “Sir, it’s not a matter of—”

Guest: “—Did you hear me?! A hundred!”

Me: “Hmm, well, sir, for requests that break hotel policy, I charge three times my annual salary. This is to give me time to look for a new career after I’m barred from working in every hotel and restaurant in the state ever again. For requests that also break the law, I charge ten times my annual salary for the impending bail money and legal fees.”

Guest: *Click.*

I’m a stickler for grammar, but I’m not the grammar police, and I don’t correct anyone’s grammar unless asked or I am reviewing their work. A coworker (and friend) knows this and likes to give me an eye twitch by using the wrong words on purpose on the company’s instant messaging app.

It should also be noted that he’s a massive dinosaur fanboy and has lots of models on his desk, all sorted by the order in which they all lived on the historical record, oldest to youngest, left to right.

I’m messaging him one morning:

Me: “So those reports are going to be delayed, so we’ve been given an extension until Friday to review them for any issues.”

Coworker: “Werd.”

Me: “Why do you hate me?”

Coworker: “Wot argh yew torque-ing aye bout?”

Me: “You’re trying to trigger me.”

Coworker: “Eye don’t no wot yiu mien.”

Me: “I’m not going to let it bother me.”

Coworker: “Eats just werds.”

Me: “You’re going to go to lunch and come back to find all your model dinosaurs out of historical order. Would be a shame if a Triassic Era creature came after a Cretaceous one.”

Coworker: “You monster.”

Me: “Eats just die know sores.”

Coworker: “Fine… truce.”

I work in a fancy coffee place in the middle of a rich suburban neighborhood with multi-million-dollar homes and celebrity customers. 

Most of the rich clientele are fine, but I’ve noticed that when some of them are bad, they’re the worst. 

A new barista is working the register, and they came across as quiet and timid during training, so I’m keeping an eye on them in case I need to step in.

Customer: “I’ll get the mango cooler, no ice.”

Since this is a pre-mixed drink, the new barista can pour it right there for the customer. I see her perfectly measure it out and give her half a cup of drink. Without the ice, the drink only goes halfway up the cup, so this is correct.

Customer: “Uh? Helloooo? I wanted it filled all the way up.”

Barista: “Without ice, that is filled all the way up. Unless… you wanted two drinks for the price of one? I’m new here; I don’t know of such a sale.”

Customer: *Turning beet red, but not backing down.* “It’s not a sale, it’s common courtesy! Your drinks are already a rip-off, so—”

Barista: “I’m sorry, who made you come here? I’d hate to think you’re being forced to come here when the prices are out of your reach! Would you like me to call someone? Are you in trouble?”

Customer: “F*** you b****!” *Turns heel and storms out.*

Barista: *Calling out to the customer.* “Ma’am, don’t you want your lukewarm “iced” drink?!”

Yeah, I think the new girl is gonna be juuuuust fine.

I work in careers and employment support, not tech support. I’ve been running training sessions on Zoom and have been getting a lot of emails from clients that are struggling. The below is paraphrased slightly from memory and to be anonymous.

Client: “Hi, I can’t access Zoom, please assist.”

Me: “No problem, what exactly is the issue?”

Client: “I can’t get Zoom to open.”

Me: “Okay, so when you click the ‘start Zoom’ button on our training platform, do you get an error message of some kind, or does the screen change at all?”

Client: “It just won’t open.”

Me: “Okay, if you can provide specific details, that really helps. Are you clicking the ‘start Zoom’ button?”

Client: “There is no ‘start Zoom’ button.”

Me: “Are you on page X of the learning platform?”

Client: “No, I’m on page Y.”

Me: “Okay, so that’s the problem: if you go to page X and click ‘start Zoom’, it will open the meeting for you. If you open the instruction document you were sent, it includes some screenshots of exactly what page you need to be on and what you need to click. I hope that helps.”

Client: “I don’t have the instruction document.”

Me: “I’ll reattach it for you now. Please let me know if you have any more problems.”

A few hours later…

Client: “Hi, I missed the training as I couldn’t get into Zoom. Can you book another one in for me? Also, I need help getting into Zoom next time.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.” 🤦‍♀️