I work on the side as an Instacart shopper. I get a long (loooong) grocery list from a customer. In the notes section of the order:

Note: “You MUST purchase these items in alphabetical order. If you don’t… I’ll know.”

No way in h*** am I doing that! Also, the items weren’t even listed alphabetically on the shopping list, so she was expecting me to do the sorting AND then shop in that order. Heck no.

I got all the items for her, and she didn’t complain, so I guess she didn’t ‘know’ anything.

Customer: “Where are your Jordans?”

Me: “We don’t sell Jordans. This is an Adidas store.”

Customer: “Why don’t you sell Jordans? They’re really popular.”

Me: “Those are Nike.”

Customer: “So why don’t you sell them?”

Me: “Because this is Adidas.”

Customer: “So why don’t you sell them?”

Me: “They are our competitor. We don’t sell our competitors’ items.”

Customer: “Well, you should! Then you would have made a sale today!”

He then tapped the side of his head like the ‘Roll Safe’ meme guy, as if he was imparting great knowledge to me, and walked out.

I get a call from a caller as soon as the lines open at 9 AM.

Caller: “When is the technician arriving!? You said he would be here at 9 AM!”

Me: “No, ma’am, we said from 9 AM. The window is between 9 and 11 AM, but I can tell you based on the location the ETA is forty-five to fifty minutes.”

Caller: “Well, what is it? Forty-five or fifty?!”

Me: “The ETA is between forty-five and fifty minutes. That’s the best information I can give you, ma’am.”

They mutter something but hang up. They call back exactly forty-five minutes later.

Caller: “Your ETA expired!”

Me: “He will be there within the next five minutes. I can see the location of the van literally three blocks away.”

Caller: “But the ETA said forty-five minutes! How can you give me a time and not be able to stick to it?!”

Me: “Well, it is an ETA, ma’am.”

Caller: “I don’t care! I don’t want guesses!”

Me: “Ma’am, an ETA by nature is an estimate.”

Caller: “Says who?!”

Me: “The ‘E’ part.”

Caller: “Well, your ETA’s need to be accurate!”

I hear the caller’s doorbell go off.

Caller: “Who the f*** is ringing my doorbell so early in the morning?!” *Click.*

That lucky technician… I’m sure she’s about to be a DELIGHT to deal with…

I work in a supermarket that has recently employed the trick of pumping the smell of freshly baked bread onto the high street to lure customers in. It’s a cheap trick, but hey, I just work here; I don’t make the decisions. 

One day I see a woman walk in with the largest dog I have ever seen, a big boy Mastiff.

Me: “Sorry, miss, you can’t bring dogs in here.”

Customer: “This boy weighs 90kg and he can smell croissants. You want to stop him? Because I can’t.”

It’s then apparent that she’s not walking the dog; the dog is walking her. I’m not really sure what to do, so I call the manager. He comes over and tells her the same thing.

Customer: “Once he realises there’s no fresh bread, he’ll get bored and leave. I can’t physically do anything until then.”

Manager: “Madam, maybe you shouldn’t take a dog for a walk that you’re unable to physically manage.”

Customer: “And maybe you shouldn’t pump fake baking smells into the street to confuse dogs that walk in perfectly straight lines until then.”

I laughed a little because she had us there.

The woman refused to change her walking route. The Mastiff would always come and investigate the smell as he walked past. The manager told head office, and they eventually allowed us to stop pumping the smell out onto the street.

I heard that it didn’t damage or improve sales one bit.

I’m waiting tables at a restaurant, and a customer in my section flags me down.

Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me what the dressing for [salad] contains?”

Me: “Sure.”

I give her a list of the ingredients.

Customer: “Hmm…”

Me: “Is… something wrong?”

Customer: “Well, I have an allergy.”

I wait. No further information is forthcoming.

Me: “An allergy to…?”

Customer: “That’s what I’d like to know! I thought it was a dairy allergy, because this salad gave me a reaction unless I ordered it without the dressing, but I’ve been told that your [dessert] ALSO contains dairy, so that can’t be it. And now I want to know what’s setting me off before I go trying any other dishes.”

Me: “Oh. Um…”

Customer: “Sorry, I’m not expecting you to help me figure this out. I’ll get the [salad] without the dressing, play it safe.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”