Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I am nine years older than my half-sister, “Amy.” Our mom died when I was 20 and Amy was 11. I was never close to my stepfather and was disgusted when he remarried fewer than 10 months after my mother died. This new wife already had two other kids, and they had a baby right after they got married. I didn’t reconnect with Amy until last year when I got engaged.
Thinking about my future made me want to reconnect with my family. Amy is 16 and currently exiled to the tiny attic because her stepbrother and stepsister need their own rooms. The space was ugly and all her stuff was in plastic bins.
We talked a lot online and collaborated to update her space by watching videos about micro studio apartments. I don’t make a whole lot of money, but I could spare a few grand for a room makeover. We spent months looking and planning. I live in a different state so everything was ordered online. My stepfather knew and agreed to the makeover. Amy got everything and set it up herself. Her space looked gorgeous. She was so proud when she showed it off to me.
Then she called me last month crying. Her stepsister threw a fit because she was jealous over Amy’s new room, so the stepmother gave the room and everything in it to her daughter! Amy was packed into her old room with all her stuff back into the plastic bins. I called my stepfather and ended up in a screaming match with him. He blamed Amy for coming to me and said that this stepdaughter was seriously autistic and she “can’t” understand why Amy got the “princess room” while she didn’t. It wasn’t fair and there wasn’t any money in their budget for the stepdaughter. I retorted that he basically stole over two-grand for me. Those were gifts for my sister, not the “bitch and her spoiled brat.” My stepfather told me that Amy needed to learn to share because he had four kids now, not just the one. I laughed and said I was glad that my mom was dead because it would have killed her to see how he was treating her daughters. He hung up on me. Amy has been “forbidden” from talking to me, but we talked online. She wants to come live with my fiancé and me. Every conversation circles around how unhappy she is.
— What About Amy?
Dear What About Amy,
Thank God you still have a way to contact Amy. What happened with the furniture and decor you bought for her is so unfair and cruel. You can’t do much about what goes on in that house (unless of course you see things escalating from unfair to abusive), but please remember that it’s not material things that will make or break her emotional wellbeing during her last two teenage years. That means your job is simple: Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her. Listen to her, listen to her, listen to her. Always remind her that you’re there for her. Tell her how much you wish you could change her living situation and how much she’s worthy of better treatment. Keep having these conversations (along with lighter ones about her everyday life and interests). Help her to dream about a life after high school and a future in which she has her own space and only people who respect and value her are allowed into it. Don’t underestimate the power of unconditional love and reminding a kid in a bad situation that it’s not a reflection of her and that she deserves more.
Dear Prudence,
I want to get out of the “friend” zone. It keeps happening again and again, so it may be me. I am dependable, hardworking, and fun, they say, but I run again and again into a situation when the girl I like treats me like a very dear friend, confidant, and emotional support for the mishaps in her dealings with another guy she chose as a boyfriend. I want to get out of the “I really like you as a friend” zone. Some people say I should be less generous with my time and support. What should I do?
— Dearest Friend
Dear Dearest Friend,
Have you ever noticed that nobody complains about being in the friend zone with their actual friends? The “friend zone” is a place where people end up when they have pretended to be friends with someone with the hope of turning that person into a romantic partner. But the other party never agreed to the plan! They never said they would become attracted to you in exchange for your support! That’s where things are breaking down.
What you want to do is look at friendships and romantic relationships as two separate paths. If you start in the “I like you as a friend” zone, you happily stay there if you also enjoy the friendship and you leave if you don’t. If you want to give time and support, you give it—because you are a friend, not because you think these things will make someone attracted to you. Relationships with a different group of people, which start on dating apps, or with blind dates, or with you explicitly asking someone out are the ones in which you can hope that you might become someone’s boyfriend. Those aren’t guaranteed to work out the way you want either, but at least you will have been honest about your intentions.
Dear Prudence,
I have a problem I feel guilty for even asking about. My wife’s cousin recently died, tragically young and unexpectedly. The funeral has been arranged for the end of the month to make sure everyone can come (it’s a big family spread out across the country). Obviously, my wife is making plans to go. The problem is that I desperately don’t want to go, and have a perfect excuse ready-made that my wife is very understanding of: I have a huge work deadline due that week and am likely needed to be in meetings then. The thing is, I could probably rearrange the deadline and meetings if I wanted to, though I’ve not mentioned that to my wife. I don’t want to go to the funeral because my wife’s family have treated me with consistent homophobia and coldness for the whole eight years they’ve known me.
When my wife first came out to them as bisexual and dating me, her parents’ attitude was that they could “wait it out” until she broke up with me and got a boyfriend instead. They only really accepted that she was staying with me when we got married, and even then tried to keep our wedding a secret from extended family. I am never invited to events that my wife’s brothers’ girlfriends are routinely invited to, I am left off Christmas cards, and the very reason I’ve never met this cousin who has died (much to my wife’s sorrow) is that my in-laws refused to have me over for holiday events where the whole family was together and spent years pressuring my wife to remain closeted with her extended family.
Now my wife is out to everyone (after a huge argument last year), and most of the family tries to act as though everything is fine and normal. I am treated with frosty politeness and generally referred to by my name and as my wife’s partner, rather than as her “friend,” but I honestly still find events with any of them unbearable due to their marked coldness and snide comments about my butch appearance. To go to the funeral, we would need to be there at least three days to cope with travel, and my wife wants to help her mother with some practical arrangements. The thought of spending three days with these people makes me feel physically ill with anxiety, not helped by the fact that I will likely be very stressed about missing work. However, I hate the thought of not supporting my wife for this painful event, and feel guilty at just letting myself get out of it when I know if our positions were reversed, I’d want her with me.
Am I right in thinking it would be cowardly of me to use the work excuse to get out of going to this? If so, how can I make this more bearable for myself and cope with some horrible people treating me badly while supporting my wife and not making this about me?
— Making Excuses
Dear Making Excuses,
Please stay home. These people don’t deserve your presence. The lie about a work deadline barely even qualifies as a lie. Your wife is willing to deal with her relatives because she’s related to them. You’re not. And that’s totally OK.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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