Yesterday I visited my psychiatrist and I found out that I’ve always lived with far more trauma than I realized.
I’ve always hidden my trauma’s to the point I forgot them myself, but I would have these vivid memories where I suffered severe pain, trauma, and abuse.
They all flash at me so I’m scared of loud noises and bangs, people fighting and getting heated in an argument, shouting and aggressive behavior.
I’ve mostly forgotten what I’ve had happen to me as a child but it brought me to tears when I tried to remember it or bring it up.
My entire life my parents have always felt distant, I was both abused and neglected at early childhood and I honestly never knew what being loved felt like.
My parents never built a relationship with me and things would be on and off, one second they would try to be close with you, the next they would be gone for days, months, or even years.
I’ve always been tossed aside from parent to parent and grandparents to raise, everyone seemed to see me as a responsibility rather than their own.
I remember the days when I would wait for my parents to visit, those days became months, I remember having dreams of my mother picking me up from kindergarten, only to realize it was a dream and cry, honestly that was traumatizing, but I also remember why I was sent to my grandparents, when I was growing up I remember that my parents would be violent with each other, a lot of things being thrown and shouting going on.
I remember the days I would cry to ask them to stop fighting.
I was pretty sure my mother was pressured into having me, and I don’t think she actually wanted a child.
Anyways when I was young my mother left for 3 years to chase after her dreams when I was 5.
I grew up with my grandmother, because my father gave me to her and disappeared in my life.
Until one day he came back 2 years later saying we are going to go see my mother.
Later on we would move to California, where my parents had a divorce and I once again was neglected and tossed around like a responsibility, along with violent experiences that would put me into fear every time I try to recall it.
All of this has caused me to always idolize suicide, I’ve never had a good or close relationship with my parents so I could never tell them how I felt or my confusions with my feelings, and I had to guide myself to an understanding of life.
I idolized suicide and tried to fight gender dysphoria, I tried to appeal to my parents to tell them to love me.
I gave up eventually and things began to fall apart, and it only got worse when I transitioned, yet they feel like distant strangers who are only here to take responsibility.
This experience has genuinely caused so much problems in my life leading down the road.
This is also why I was okay with infertilizing myself.
I would never want to bring a child into this world because of how ugly this world is and how much suffering I went through.
I wouldn’t ever know how to love because I was never taught what love was.
I could never be a good parent and I’d rather not bring life to this world only to have it suffer.