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Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
Dear Prudence,
My divorce from my now-ex-husband was finalized a month ago. All along, I thought we had the perfect marriage until I received the shock of a lifetime late one night when he called me from the police station.
It was then that he confessed that he had been arrested for exposing himself to a woman in a parking lot. I would come to learn that he had exposed himself to over a dozen more victims—Including a woman who was with her young daughter—over the course of the last five months, when I thought he was working on a project at his job. He is now in jail awaiting trial.
I am still reeling and will be forever cursing myself for unwittingly marrying a predator. Everyone thought he was such a wonderful person and we had a rock-solid relationship. What do I say to people when they find out that my ex and I are now divorced and ask what happened?
—Picking Up the Pieces
Jenée Desmond-Harris: Continuing my tradition of pasting in the thing Lizzie texted privately to me as she read the letter, please see below:
“dude this letter. like … woman … if there are no children involved, RUN. just don’t worry about other people. tell them the truth if you want to, tell others it’s too painful to talk about, and wow, thank your lucky stars.”
I agree! And luckily, she’s already run and just needs to keep running. I can absolutely see how this would be just incredibly disorienting and destabilizing. It’s the kind of news that makes you wonder whether you can trust your own judgment. Even if it shouldn’t. It does.
I agree that what to say to other people is the least of your problems, Letter Writer. Also, most people with even mediocre manners aren’t going to say “What exactly happened?” when you say you’re getting divorced. They’re going to say “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing OK.”
Lizzie O’Leary: Yes, exactly! I think this is a natural question that someone in the LW’s position might have. “What will people think?” pops into your head because in part it feels like a reflection of you. Like somehow you should have known, or sensed, that your husband was doing this. And I want to say right now: This is not your fault. I am giving you a big old Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting hug. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Will you have to grapple with all these feelings and how destabilizing all of this is? Yes. But please don’t give into the part of you that wonders if you should have behaved some different way. I think rehearsing “It’s just too painful to talk about,” until you can get it out without breaking is perfectly fine. Not everyone gets to know your stuff unless you want them to.
OK, now, how do we think our LW should start to begin processing all of this?
Jenée: I don’t know, my go-to would be memoirs and documentaries about people who have lived through far more disturbing situations hers but that’s a very personal solution.
Seriously, though, I really want relief for her from the “I will be forever cursing myself” part of this.
Lots and lots of people marry spouses who turn out to be terrible in unexpected ways or are keeping big secrets. You’re not alone. You’re a human being who isn’t psychic.
People work very hard not to reveal it when they’re doing something like being a predator. It’s not as if you could have simply asked more or better questions and your husband would have said “Thanks so much for your curiosity and for opening up this conversation. Actually, I’m a pervert.” To echo Lizzie, this is not your fault. And I really think it’s best to get a professional to try to work with you on understanding that because we can say it again and again and your friends can say it again and again, but we might not have what it takes to really shift your thinking. I want that to happen as soon as possible because while it’s normal to be upset about this situation, you don’t deserve to suffer any longer than necessary as the result of his actions.
Lizzie: You know, I kind of want to amend my “just run” reaction. Because I don’t want to imply that I am saying she should pack this away and not think about it. There is so much grief here! And that I think is a helpful framework. This is a massive loss and it will take time to process and heal. I have been doing some research on the families of sex offenders today. And there are support groups out there. Some of them are about trying to change sex offender laws, but others might offer our LW a place to share her incredibly complicated feelings without worrying about other people’s judgments. This site is for the loved ones of people convicted of CSAM offenses, and the people behind it might be able to point our LW to a community that could support her. Because of course she is dealing not only with her husband’s crimes and his deception of her, but carrying the weight of the people he victimized. And that is a very specific thing, and I think finding community might be extremely helpful here. RAINN is a fantastic umbrella organization, and I think reaching out to them might be a good idea as well.
Jenée: Great advice. When all else fails, we love a group of people going through the same terrible thing!
