A caller is ordering a pizza. We’re having a significant language barrier, but we’re making it work. We finally got to the toppings; they listed what they wanted: mushrooms, green peppers, and…

Caller: “Uh… um… olium.”

Me: “Do you mean olives?”

Caller: “Olium.”

We went back and forth for a few seconds trying to identify their last topping.

Caller: “Olium… cepa.”

I studied biology in university, and so I suddenly realised that this person didn’t know the English name for onions, so he’s giving me their scientific name of “Allium cepa”, just with a pronunciation I’m not used to.

Me: “Oh! Allium cepa! Onions!”

Caller: “Yes! Onions! Yes! Yes! Thank you! Thank you!”

Mad respect to this person for trying the scientific name when they didn’t know the English one!

I’m driving my ten-year-old twin girls home from school.

Me: “So, how was school?”

Daughter #1: “My teacher’s a virgin, and she told me I should be too.”

I’m about to turn my car right round, when:

Daughter #2: “No, it was vegan.”

Me: “Hmm, okay, still inappropriate, but a few notches lower…”

My regular dog sitter had an emergency and couldn’t watch my dogs after we had everything booked. Desperate for assistance, I posted on the local Facebook group.

Me: “Last-minute request for someone to watch my dogs this weekend! My regular dog sitter had a family emergency, and I can’t get anyone to reply on Wag or Rover. I am in dire need of someone to care for my two labs! They’re adult females, fixed and vaccinated. They have a fenced yard, so you don’t have to walk them anywhere if you don’t want to.”

Person #1: “There’s a thing called Rover. You should give it a try before inviting strangers into your home.”

Me: “Can you read? I tried that.”

Person #1: “It’s giving entrapment vibes, telling people you want them to go to your house when you’re not there. But you do you.”

Moderator: “[Person #1], this is not entrapment; it is a plea for last-minute kindness and assistance in a situation that is out of her control. Further negative comments will result in a ban from this group.”

Person #1: “Okay, so she can call me a [r-word], but I can’t point out that she’s asking to be robbed? Got it.”

Person #2: “Where do you live, and how long will you be gone?”

Me: “Near [Grocery store]. I’m leaving Saturday night, and I’ll be back Monday afternoon, so I just need a bedtime visit, three to four visits Sunday, and one Monday morning.”

Person #2: “Where do you live?”

Person #1: “This guy knows about Home Alone.”

Moderator: “[Person #1], stop. [Person #2], [My Name] has said she lives near [Grocery Store].”

Me: “I will give my address once booking is confirmed.”

Person #3: “Hi, I walk dogs on Rover. I don’t usually service your area, but I can come out today to meet your dogs before you leave, and I can make the required visits. Send me a message to work it out!”

Me: “Thank you! I will do that!” 

I met with [Person #3]. She agreed to take care of my dogs, and I would pay her in cash since she couldn’t figure out how to expand her service area in the app. When I came back, I saw that [Person #1]’s comments had all been removed from my post, and he had been removed from the group entirely.

I’m working in a restaurant on a hot summer’s day. It’s 95°F outside. A customer is sitting at a table close to the AC unit.

Customer: “I’m cold! Can you turn up the heat?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. You’re in an unfortunate spot right under a vent. How about we move you so you’re not getting blasted by the AC?”

Customer: “I don’t want to move; I want to be warmer!”

Me: “Well, sir, we either do both, or we do neither. Your call.”

Customer: “You’re seriously going to inconvenience me instead of turning up the heat?”

Me: “It’s a choice of inconveniencing you or a hundred other diners.”

He grumbled and allowed me to move him. No tip, of course…

One of my earlier teaching jobs (1980s) was as a midyear replacement to teach chemistry, a subject for which it was, and is, very difficult to find qualified teachers. I was, if I recall correctly, the fifth teacher for the year, not including the original scheduled teacher who had an unscheduled cascade of organ failures a couple of weeks before school opened. These were not top classes. They were, in truth, requirement filler level, and the student’s interest and conduct reflected that.

When I first came in at midyear, the students were discussing how long it would take for them to drive me out. I was still fairly young, but stubborn and had worked research for some right b*stards in graduate school before moving into teaching, as well as taught some general-level college courses, so I had no worries.

After enough of the distraction had gone on in my first section, I told them they could drop the topic. I wasn’t going anywhere until the end of the year. In roughly these words, I told them:

Me: “I’m like genital herpes. You can’t get rid of me, and you are no longer so sure that you had a good time getting me.”

The year went pretty well after that.