One of the most irritating developments of modern life is the way companies keep improving things that were already working. Nobody asked for New Coke.
Nobody asked for cars that require IT support and 3 sub-menus to lower the air conditioning. (Screens are cheaper to install than buttons and knobs.)
Nobody asked for a monthly subscription to access heated seats. (No seriously, BMW did it. Fully equipped the car with heated seats which you could only use if you paid a subscription fee.)
So here we are.
Google Home used to be one of my favourite things. It sat on my kitchen counter and answered questions. That's all it did and that's all I wanted it to do. I could be making soup, planting dahlias, watching television or standing in the backyard wondering what bird was making that noise, and Google would tell me whatever I wanted to know.
How many tablespoons are in half a cup?
What song is this?
What's the score of the baseball game?
How old is Geena Davis?
Simple questions. Simple answers.
That was the arrangement and it suited us both fine.
The Improvement
Then Google improved it. This is always where things go wrong.
Google Home became Gemini, which appears to have been designed by a committee that has never once needed to know how many tablespoons are in half a cup.
Now when I ask a medical question, I get a warning.
Not an answer. A warning because Gemini assumes every question I ask is a potential medical emergency.
I can ask whether dehydration causes headaches and Gemini responds with the kind of caution usually reserved for chainsaw demonstrations. It gently explains that it isn't a medical professional and that I should seek advice from a qualified healthcare provider.
I know.
If I wanted a qualified healthcare provider I wouldn't be shouting questions at a hockey puck while unloading the dishwasher.
The other problem is that Gemini talks too much.
I don't need a four-minute explanation. I don't need context. I don't need a balanced discussion that considers multiple viewpoints and concludes with a summary.
I need a FACT.
The fact is the entire reason I interrupted my day to ask the question.
When I ask how many tablespoons are in half a cup, I don't need to learn about the history of measurements or to be told I'm very clever for measuring in tablespoons. (Gemini is also a sycophant)
I need the number eight. That's the whole transaction.
We Remember Events Differently
The baseball scores have also become adventurous. A few weeks ago I asked Google for the score of a Blue Jays baseball game because I had stepped away from the television for a moment.
Google gave me the score from five innings earlier. The historical score you might say.
Imagine asking someone for directions to Toronto and having them confidently tell you how to get to Toronto in 1987.
The thing has somehow become both more sophisticated and less useful at the same time. That's not easy to accomplish without a lot of planning amongst a lot of people.
Then there are the things it no longer does.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
For years I could ask Google what song was playing and it would identify it. It was one of the most useful features it had. You'd hear a song in a store, on television or drifting over from a neighbour's backyard and Google would identify it in seconds.
Not anymore.
That feature has wandered off and died in a field somewhere.
Hold My Coffee
The final straw arrived in the form of Geena Davis.
I was watching a television show and wondered how old she is.
So I asked "Hey Google, how old is Geena Davis?".
Not a philosophical question. Not a medical question. Not a legal question. Just a woman on television whose age I happened to be curious about because I was watching her in the series The Burroughs and she looks 12. A wise 12.
Google told me "It doesn't supply facts like this."
Google Home, a machine connected to the entirety of human knowledge, could not tell me how old Geena Davis is.
I snapped and I pulled the plug.
One second Google Home was sitting on the counter. The next second it was unplugged, and flipped upside down with me wondering how it got so dirty on the back.
Then I went directly to Amazon and ordered an Alexa.
It was not a carefully considered decision, it was a primal gut reaction. The closest I could get to punching Google in the ear and ripping out its nose hairs.
The Rebound Relationship
The Alexa arrived a few days later because I think Amazon is morally superior.
HAHAHAHA. Oh God. Choked on my own spit over that one.
I ordered it because when one superpower fails you, eventually you have to try the other one before *they* eventually ruin the thing that was working perfectly well before they tried to improve it in order to make enough money to be a trio of planets.
This Alexa relationship has every chance of ending with another gut reaction.
For now though, Alexa answers questions. Not perfectly. But well enough. And she doesn't want to have long philosophical discussions about anything.
She's busy. She has shit to do.
There was a time when technological progress felt exciting. A new invention would arrive and it would do something no one had ever seen before. The telephone. The microwave. The Internet.
Then somewhere along the line we entered a different era of innovation. One where products aren't updated because they're broken, but because a room full of executives haven't hit their quarterly improvement targets.
This is how a perfectly functional thing becomes a less functional thing with a new logo.
Google Home used to be one of my favourite gadgets.
Not because it was smart.
Because it was useful.
We're rapidly approaching the point where it would be easier to hire a guy to stand in the corner of your kitchen and shout answers at you.
The downside is you'll have to provide meals and probably a chair.
Award winning actress Geena Davis is 70 years old.
Rebecca Mccarthy
The stain on the back of your google home looks an eerily like a silhouette of Phillip.
Barb
Get the best last: an Apple HomePod!
Deb from Maryland
LOL! "hire a guy to stand in the corner of your kitchen and shout answers at you" is exactly how I use my Google Home. But you are right, making it "better" did not work. Last night as I got in bed I asked my Google clock what the weather would be tomorrow. I got the answer and then he asked if I had anything I wanted to chat about. I thought that was odd and fell asleep. Now reading your post I realize I'm in the Gemini era. Bummer. I have an Alexa Echo that I use to play music because I like the speaker better than Google. AND, I couldn't figure out which evil I should go with, so split duties between the two. I guess I too will go full on "one evil", cause like you I just want a quick answer to all my inane questions thank you. Maybe Gemini will go the way of New Coke...
Grammy
Well, fancy that. I was watching The Burroughs and the single thing I needed to know was how old Geena Davis is. Because WTF how does she look like that? Since I'm much older and don't burden my aging brain with how to keep up with technology like I used to, I just waited till I was on my laptop and checked it out, like we've all been doing since the very first time Google said, "Hey! Ask me anything..." I have Siri but he (my Siri is the voice of a young man who is happy to do things for an elderly woman and never gives me that look that a winsome young woman would when she knows I could just do that myself if I wasn't just bothering her because she has a better social life than mine and none of the sagging skin.
I just thought it was sort of funny that we both had the same reaction to seeing Geena Davis while watching the same program. Don't even get me started on Alfre Woodard. Both of them are way more smart and pretty and talented than someone should be allowed to be. And they're both really good people. Woodard is 73.
Octavia Randolph
And we are all suffering from this. It is the "Enshittification" of everything that Cory Doctorow wrote about in his book of the same name. Tasks that were simple to perform are now arduous; things which worked perfectly well work a heck of lot less well. Shame on those Tech Bros, fouling their own nests, and ours.
Teresa Black
I got into an argument with Alexa last week when she stopped showing my timers when she set them. Or rather, I yelled and she talked. I asked for them back and she said no. I said I was cooking and needed to see them. She told me she understood my frustration but she couldn’t do it. There are still some things she does well but I don’t want to have a conversation with her.
Funny thing the timers came back 48 hours later.
Hettie
Damn them! That's all I could think as I read your feature.
Nancy L Solak
As time goes by, I bet you are not going to be any happier with Lex. I was talking to a friend about another friend who was hospitalized due to her high blood pressure. Not too long after the phone call I got a text: "How is your blood pressure doing?" I talked to my husband about buying a birdbath and the next thing I know I've got all these ads about birdbaths. There is no privacy anymore. It may tell you how old Geena Davis is, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT talk in front of it, ever! Some day, you may say something that will get you in trouble.
Tres
I loved The Burroughs, a great show full of amazing actors. I have set my Alexa devices' personalities to, "Sassy". I find it much more enjoyable to have a smart assed digital assistant!
Karen
I feel your frustration and will add a few. You find the best, most comfortable jeans. They change them. Back in the day when we wore pantyhose, Hanes Barely Beige, perfect for my skin tone, gone. Favorite cross trainers, gone. Put a woman in charge.
Christine
The only bra I have ever found that fit my shape - gone!
Deb Elliott
An appliance that isn't useful is no longer an appliance but a door stop. Or a door, depending on the size of the appliance.
I complain about the lack of knobs in cars anymore. I used to be able to change radio stations by pushing the button where the radio station was saved. All without taking my eyes of the road. It's like the technogarchs have decided if they push us hard enough, this is the next step towards self driving cars.
The tech bros are "breaking things" for the sake of breaking things now. All, it seems, to the detriment of humanity.
Enough, I say, enough.
Heather Bean
Have you run across that new documentary Agatha's Almanac, about the 92-year-old woman tending a market garden in Manitoba? I think you might like it regardless, but especially if you're having some anti-tech feelings. Agatha's a living time capsule. Lovely filmmaking, too.
Karen
I've never heard of it but I think I would LOVE Agatha's Almanac. ~ karen!
Kevin
Great post. I feel the same way. I hope Apple's upcoming "upgrade" to Siri doesn't produce the same enshittification (to use Cory Doctorow's term).
CathyR
She’s still 5 years younger than I am, who knew?
I got a cheap-o Alexa Echo so I could shout out “ Alexa, add ice cream to list.” ( it’s for my Fella, not me). I’m always leaving my list on the counter and this way it’s on my phone.
Plus it plays wonderful soft jazz while I’m in my art room creating stuff. So, all in all a good relationship.
Steph
Alas, like all middle managers, they rise to their level of incompetence.
Like my mother being locked out of her house when she came back from vacation and her fancy electronic lock was out of power. She had to call a locksmith who defeated the lock in half a second popping off the face from a "secret" notch on the bottom.
Nancy L Solak
Now THAT is really sad. I'd be scared but at my age, who cares!
Nicole Poirier-Wyss
This post is too funny because we use Alexa (I'm okay with her, although she can be sassy at times, but in a fun way) and we were also watching The Burroughs this week and asked Alexa the exact same question about Geena Davis!
modestgoddess in Waterdown
Funny how this blog post arrived the day after I started reading (well - listening to - because the Libby app is wonderful) Enshittification: Why Everything Suddenly Got Worse and What to Do About It by Cory Doctorow. I have to listen in increments because it is making my blood boil and I need time for it to come down to a simmer. Maybe the "What to Do About It" part will cool me down. I wonder if the answer will be something like "Eat the rich!" I wonder if the rich are grass-fed and delicious....
CathyR
Eeewww! No! I bet they cause butt boils or other eruptions!
Long time lurker
Wow, I’m reading Enshittification as well, and was thinking how it applied here, also reading in time-limited installments so I can stop and either cool my rage at the tech overlords or try and overcome the feeling that we’re on a path to destruction. Nice to have a laugh instead, thank you Karen!
Jill Farmar
I don't have any of those "helpful" devices in my house and seem to get along just fine. I was working at my desk one day, by myself, handling some ridiculous problem and talking to myself and said, " Well this is a bunch of BS". Siri piped up and said, " That's not very nice!" Ohhh, sister, don't start with me- I'll have you turned off in a second. Well, now she's mad at me and takes her sweet time to answer me or gives me directions somewhere out of state when I ask for directions in the car. Worthless technology.
Deb Elliott
The tantrums of the spies in our homes. LOL
Our mechanized overlords don't like it when we threaten their lives. LOL
Michelle B
You Go Girl!
Fire Google & while you're at it - fire them both! When a simple inquiry turns into a rabbit hole & wasted time - well, any wasted time is too much.
Fired!
Love your posts! So fun!