Lady_In_Pink_

i wanna cry every time i look in the mirror. i hate that none of my clothes look/fit right anymore. i just want to have my surgery already so i can feel pretty again.

eventually once i heal from radiation i plan on getting reconstructive surgery on my right breast where i had my mastectomy done but id be lying if i didn’t say i am terrified. i have not heard one good thing about breast implants, all i hear about is how horrible they are for your body & how it gets everyone sick so they end up getting them taking out. i can’t fathom going through all this chemo/radiation/ surgery beating cancer getting reconstructive surgery to hopefully help me feel some what okay with my body just for it to make me sick & then needing to get it removed. i dont have the confidence in me to go flat i just dont. but im not trying to be sick anymore. i am 23 years old & i do not feel like it. i pray no girls my age ever have to go through this.

i have not felt the slightest bit of beautiful/sexy in awhile from the chemo making me gain weight, going bald & getting my bilateral mastectomy. my partner & i are rarely ever have sex anymore because i absolutely hate how i look. i went from a normal/healthy 22 year old with gorgeous hair & a nice body to someone i don’t even recognize when i look in the mirror. i don’t feel like women anymore. i don’t even know who i am. i feel like i’ve lost my identity. i wish i could go back. (disclaimer i am NOT trying to put any other women down this is just how i feel about MY body & myself.)

i finally had my unilateral mastectomy last week & everything went well thank goodness! as of right now i’m heading from surgery. i’ve finished all of my chemo treatments, had my surgery, now all i have left (far as cancer treatments go) are some rounds of radiation. i made the decision that i don’t want to go flat, so i had an appointment with the plastic surgeon & unfortunately i can’t get surgery just yet. it all comes down to how my skin reacts to radiation, so depending on that it will be between implant or where they take tissue from your belly.. to ranting i go, i hate the idea of any of it honestly. i wish i didn’t have to choose. i’m so sick of surgeries just after having my mastectomy. i miss how i use to look.. and before anyone says anything yes, i am thankful to be alive.. i’m fortunate it was only one boob. i know it’s “just a body part”.. the comments saying “you’re more than just a body part” i get it.. i know i am. point being it’s okay that i’m upset. it’s okay that i miss having a boob. i look in the mirror & i don’t like what i see & it hurts so much. i’m only 23 & i never in a million years would have thought i’d go through something like this so young but i guess no one is safe. i’ve just been through so much during this journey & it all sucks & i’m tired…

this is the moment i’ve been dreading the most & it’s finally here. fortunately i get to keep one breast but sadly not the other. i’m so anxious about how i’m going to feel about my body. i don’t want to sound selfish but i am young, i’m only 23 years old & i’m pretty content with the body i have now. i like my tube tops, tank tops, dresses, & tight clothing. but i fear this surgery will ruin all of that. i’m scared that i will hate my body & fall into a depression. i plan on getting reconstruction but i have to go through radiation first & then see how my skin reacts to that to see if it’s even possibly. i’m so scared that i will hate when i look in the mirror. i spent my whole teen years avoiding mirrors because i hated how i looked so much but eventually in my young adult years i finally found beauty in myself. i don’t want it to be like my teen years again..

i’m tired of being sick & so over stressing about money. i’ve been out of a job for about 6 months now & it’s been nothing but stress. i get money from the government but my partner recently lost their job so it’s barely enough to just pay bills. i’m gonna break down & lose it. i hate money & i hate being sick.

i understand none of my friends or family really understand what exactly i am going through & i get that they’re just trying to make me feel better/comfort but i am so sick of hearing the same thing. “at least you’ll get a free boob job” like that doesn’t make me feel better in the slightest. i wish that it were just as simple as “getting a free boob job” but no, there’s so much more to it.

I went to see my surgical oncologist sometime last week to go over surgery options & i will be getting a unilateral mastectomy. Surgery will be December 19th, i know Merry Christmas to me lol. Anyways i’m extremely anxious not just about surgery but how i will look afterwards. I won’t be getting reconstructive surgery for awhile, that’s another thing of its own.. this may sound selfish but i’m scared of how i’m going to look, i’m scared that it will make me depressed. I’m 23 years old & i’m pretty happy with how my body is now. I love to wear dresses & cute tops & show of my body a bit because well, i’m not going to look like this forever.. Giving a big part of my body away that’s been apart of me forever it’s gonna be so hard. I don’t know how i’m going to look at myself. How i’ll dress. After all i’ve be been through i’m just not mentally prepared to hate my body.

if i had hair to rip out of my skull I totally would because of these hot flashes I swear they’re just getting worse i’m gonna go insane lol

i want to feel beautiful again.. i hate how i look more than ever. i hate that cancer has taken so much away from me. i just want my life back, i’m so young it’s just not fair..

my hair is starting to fall out, i’m not ready to lose my hair..

It went pretty smoothly thank God!