Dear Abigail,

Are some kids just mean?

As a millennial mom, I am of course influenced by Dr. Becky, who says “all kids are good inside.” I used to believe that very strongly. Lately, though, I’ve been struggling.

My son turned 5 in March and is in his last month of preschool. It is a cooperative preschool, so parents volunteer in the classroom regularly. Because of that, we see a lot of what happens day to day.

There is one boy in particular whose behavior has really shaken me. I have seen him punch, kick, and push my son. One time he pulled my son to the ground by his sweater. He has called him “stupid” and “a baby.” I’ve also seen him slap another child across the face. Other parents have witnessed similar things.

This boy actually has very strong communication skills. What I often see is him choosing another child to align with and then encouraging that child to join him in excluding, mocking, or hurting other kids. Watching aggression and bullying emerge at this age has honestly been disturbing to me.

When I first noticed this, I spoke to my son’s teachers multiple times—and their response was mostly that this is “boy behavior.” Then, during the Mother’s Day event at school, the teachers gathered the children together to sing a song, and throughout the entire performance, this child repeatedly hit my son’s head, pulled on his sweater, and tried to push him down. I assumed the boy’s mother would remove him from the group, which is what I would have done if it were my child. She did not intervene. I shouted to my son to tell the other boy to stop. My son said “stop” and the kid kept going, so my son started to hit him back.

Eventually another mother stepped in, and finally a teacher addressed the aggression—far later than felt appropriate. I talked with the staff afterward and they agreed that what happened was not okay and admitted they thought his mom might step in and stop it.

I don’t want my son to hit other kids but after this incident, I feel like my only option is to tell him it’s okay to punch this kid if he has to. I am left wondering what is wrong with this kid, and also his mom.

I understand that preschoolers hit when frustrated, dysregulated, overtired, or unable to communicate. My son is not a perfect child; he’s rough-and-tumble, and impulsive at times. But what feels different about this other boy is that he hurts people without provocation, then shows no remorse.

I think what’s hardest for me is what this experience is doing to my worldview. I don’t want to walk around believing there are “bad kids.” That feels sad and hopeless. So I keep wondering: Is this a parenting issue? A school culture issue? Temperament? Something deeper going on with this child? Or is this simply human nature showing up early?

How do I hold onto the belief that kids are good while also acknowledging that some children can behave in ways that seem intentionally cruel? And how do I help my son navigate this without teaching him either to fear other kids or to accept mistreatment as normal? Please help.

Sincerely,

A worried mom, 32

Dear Worried,

Are all kids good kids? Are all kids “good inside”? What a lovely thought, postulated by every utopian political movement since Rousseau. Of course, if children were inherently good—if man were born good—we wouldn’t need authoritative parenting. Religion could be reduced to feel-good spiritualism. We could do away with criminal laws and defund the police. And when man acted badly, we could hold society accountable for corrupting him, blame trauma for misshaping him, poverty or racism for impelling him toward vice. An entire worldview, contained in a Fabergé egg of wishful thinking.

It’s true that most kids are not psychopaths (seventh-grade girls notwithstanding). When confronted with the suffering of animals or another child, most will feel the pang of conscience. But perfectly average kids—sons and daughters of good people—possess both good and bad impulses. Which ones they act upon depends largely on discipline and teaching. Kids who are extended endless understanding and empathy without correction can become jerks, cheats, bullies, liars. They hit, kick, bite, and humiliate.