We’re Raising Kids Without Respect—and Paying the Price | Opinion
"Lilly, meet Joel," said a friend of mine to his daughter. "Nice to meet you, Lilly," I said. Lilly said "Hi," smiling sweetly. The encounter was pleasant enough. The problem was that Lilly was 4 years old, and I was 67. To a 4-year-old or, for that matter, to a 24-year-old, I should be "Mr. Alperson." Increasingly, kids are not being taught the proper level of respect for the older generation—often with terrible consequences.
The National Center for Education Statistics reported that "higher percentages of public schools in 2019-20 than in 2009-10 reported student discipline problems related to teachers and classrooms. Specifically, higher percentages reported student verbal abuse of teachers (10 vs. 5 percent), student acts of disrespect for teachers other than verbal abuse (15 vs. 9 percent)…"
In 2019, Science Advances journal reported that "on average, people believed that children of today are less respectful of their elders than they used to be. Furthermore, people who held a higher degree of respect for authority believed that children today respect their elders less. In an exploratory analysis, we also found that older participants believed that kids these days are becoming less respectful of their elders."
Most disturbing, the American Psychological Association reported that from 2019 to 2023, 57 percent of the teachers surveyed nationally experienced at least one act of physical violence during the school year.
Here are some thoughts on how to change those trends.
Children need discipline from their parents at least as much as love. While that doesn't have to be—and in most cases shouldn't be—an either-or proposition, a well-loved child who doesn't learn to respect the older generation is likely to regret that fact as they seek employment, talk to their managers and customers, meet the parents of someone they're dating, or even when they encounter the police. Parents should fear their child's struggles in those situations far more than the resentment they might incur by insisting on being respected.
As Dennis Prager writes in his commentary on each of the first five books of the Bible (the Torah), we are commanded to love God, to love our neighbor and to love the stranger, but not to love our parents. We are commanded to honor them. The Bible clearly recognizes that parent-child relationships can be challenging—otherwise, why have such a law? Yet, challenging relationships do not exempt a young child or, for that matter, an adult child from respecting their parents. If it did, the law would not be one of the Ten Commandments. And, while the commandment applies to children, it suggests an obligation for parents as well. They must be respectable authority figures. Parents who constantly bow to their child's wishes or seek their approval make it much harder for their children to honor them. Parents should be the adults they want their children to become.
How a child speaks (and dresses) will influence how much they respect themselves—and others. Profanity and even slang lower a child's behavioral standards. The same applies to how kids address adults. As with my encounter with Lilly, I have seen many other parents allow their children to call their adult friends by their first names.
Calling pastors, rabbis and doctors by their first name or even by their title and first name, such as "Pastor Jim" or "Rabbi Aaron," is another practice I never saw growing up. It reduces the differences between authority figures and the person addressing them. Religious figures—and physicians—should be addressed by their honorific and last name. To be clear, this practice is intended to benefit the child far more than the adult. First names may breed familiarity, but they don't inspire respect.
Before the 1960s, it was common for students to stand when a teacher entered the classroom. Today, sadly, many would consider that tradition laughable. Parents can help teachers earn respect by giving them the benefit of the doubt when learning of an issue with their child. An unfair assessment is far less damaging than disregarding a warning about a child's behavioral or academic issues. Teachers and youth leaders have told me how defensive parents can be when receiving critical comments about their child. In those cases, a parent may be shielding their child, not only from the teacher's criticism, but from the constructive advice they need to become a better adult.
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Kids should also know not to interrupt when adults are talking. Unless the matter cannot wait, they should wait. Parents who allow their kids to interrupt a conversation—and I have seen that happen often—convey a message that adult conversation, and therefore adults, are unimportant.
Why should children see any adult, including their parents, as worthy of their respect?
Because adults have acquired precious knowledge about life—wisdom—that a child could not possibly have or fully appreciate at their age. Just as we should honor priests, pastors and rabbis, a child should regard adults with reverence. As a good religious leader should help us grow spiritually, a good parent or even an adult stranger can help a child become a responsible adult.
Also, the vast majority of adults have lived lives of greater pain and challenge than any child. At some point, an adult is likely to have endured extreme physical pain, emotional pain or both. They may have suffered the loss of a job, divorce, financial issues or the loss of loved ones. They may have served in battle, dealt with addiction and faced numerous other issues. Younger generations must honor those who have endured such challenges because, in all likelihood, those young people have not.
Good communities do not create themselves. History and personal experience repeatedly demonstrate that the conscience is a frail moral guide. It is malleable and often justifies our desires. Children need good teachers and, for critical lessons to be learned, those teachers, whether at school or at home, must be respected. The lessons adults can teach are a child's lifeline, their map for avoiding the many mistakes adults make. The less the young learn from wise older people, the more societies will deteriorate. Society will not be bettered as much by children who love their parents as it will by children who respect them.
Ironically, while it may not seem loving to demand respect from one's child, it offers among the best chances to provide what any caring parent would want most for their child.
A good life.
Joel Alperson is the Chief Business Officer of NeuralRegen, a pharmaceutical company devoted to restoring functionality to Parkinson's and Alzheimer's patients. He is an editor of Dennis Prager's The Rational Bible, a commentary on the Torah, the first five books of the Bible. He was the National Fundraising Chairman of the United Jewish Appeal campaign and, along with his wife Conny, is the parent of four 8-year-olds.
The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.
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