Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter “Luna” and her husband held a barbecue for the entire family to celebrate Mother’s Day. I had a bit too much wine, and so did my daughter’s mother-in-law, “Priscilla.”
We’ve never gotten along, but to make a long story short, we ended up in a fight after she made fun of my weight. No one was seriously hurt; it was more hair-pulling and rolling on the grass than anything else. But now Luna says all future events are going to be dry, and from here on, Priscilla and I will never be at the same event. Luna’s son is graduating from kindergarten next month, and I am sick over the thought that I won’t be there (Priscilla is invited, but not me!) to see it. In all honesty, I don’t think it’s fair that I’m being made to suffer here since it was Priscilla who started it. How can I get Luna to see she’s punishing the wrong person?
—The Wrong Person Is Paying
Dear The Wrong Person Is Paying,
It sounds like you might be leaving some important information out of the story. Why exactly is your daughter inviting her mother-in-law to the graduation and not you? Does she think you are more at fault in the situation?
Regardless, don’t try to explain yourself right now. I imagine your daughter is currently really upset and not in a position to discuss the incident itself. However, I would ask her about the graduation. Kindergarten graduations are usually open, not ticketed, and have room for anyone to come. Ask if you can be there and sit separately from Priscilla, like on the far side of the room, so that you can see your grandson graduate. Promise that you won’t interact with her at all. Suggest this once and then drop it.
If she says no, you’ll have to be OK with that answer. Unfortunately, you’ll have to remember the lesson you undoubtedly taught her when she was growing up: Keep your hands to yourself, or you’ll have to be separated.
—Arionne
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