Woman: “I’ll get an Old Fashioned.”

Me: “Can I see some ID?”

Woman: “Come on. I’m fifty, and I look it.”

I point to a sign behind me:

Sign: “We card EVERYBODY – no exceptions.”

Woman: “I lost my ID.”

Me: “Then I can recommend a great selection of mocktails and sodas.”

Woman: “One sec.”

She pulls some documents out of her bag. It’s paperwork from the courthouse for a misdemeanor with her birthdate on it.

Woman: “There, that should be enough.”

Me: “Considering this is for a DUI, you’re right, it’s more than enough. So, mocktail or soda?”

She chose ‘exit’.

I wake up on a Tuesday morning with a fever, chills, and what feels like an ear infection. I go to see the doctor, and I ask him for a note as I will need it to call out.

It’s the late eighties, so there are no cell phones, but pay phones are everywhere. I call in to work at the payphone downstairs from the doctor. I’m talking to my supervisor:

Me: “…so I’ll get back to work as soon as I can with my doctor’s note.”

Supervisor: “The note is required to state that you’re specifically ‘unable to work’ or I’ll have to write you up for missing your shifts.”

So, back upstairs to the doctor’s office I go. He’s confused to see me again so soon, and after I explain what my supervisor just told me:

Doctor: *Rolls his eyes.* “Sure. I’ll give you a note saying that you’re ‘unable to work’ until Monday next week. That okay?”

Me: “Sure!”

A free week’s vacation is just what I needed. Without that addendum to the note, I probably would have only taken a couple of days out max.

I’m a new hire at a call center, doing basic troubleshooting for cellphones back when iPhone 7 was the newest one. Our lines officially closed about ten seconds ago, but we still got one call in juuuust before the cutoff. We can’t get up and leave until the call is resolved. 

I’ve been troubleshooting with this caller, who seems to be the most technophobic person I have ever spoken to.

My trainer is sitting with me, listening in to my calls with his headset.

Me: “Okay, so to go to your home screen. You just need to press the ONE big button on your phone.”

Caller: “What are you talking about? I see a big red one with the picture of a phone on it. That one?”

My trainer stretches and grabs his jacket from behind his seat.

Me: “No, don’t press that one or you’ll hang up on me. This one is BELOW the touch screen. The ONLY physical button you have on the front of the phone, you know, the big circle button that reads your fingerprint?”

Caller: “Oh, okay, yeah, I see it.”

My trainer stands up and puts his jacket on. This is odd, as we still have a lot of work to do to resolve this caller’s issue.

Me: “Okay, press that for me.”

Caller: *Click.*

Trainer: *Removing his headset.* “Every single time. Have a nice weekend!” *Leaves.*

He knew three sentences ago that the caller was going to do that…

A customer is in front of me in the line at the Golden Arches. I hear him whispering over and over to himself:

Customer: “May I please have a McDouble without pickles? May I please have a McDouble without pickles? May I please have a McDouble without pickles?”

He gets to the counter to order:

Customer: “May I please have a McDipple?”

Worker: “…”

Customer: “…”

Worker: “Uh…”

Customer: “Goodbye.”

The customer rushes out of the place. Better luck next time, dude!

Back during the PS3 era, two teenagers walk in.

Teen #1: “I want to sell my PS1. How much can I get for it?”

Me: “Depends, is it in good working order?”

Teen #1: “It doesn’t read disks anymore, but it does everything else fine.”

Me: “Uh… reading disks is all it does. What is the ‘everything else’ it does that’s fine?”

Teen #1: “All the lights still come on.”

Me: “So you’re telling me its sole use now is a light source?”

Teen #1: “Uh…”

Teen #2: *To [Teen #1].* “Come on, dude, let’s just go. I told you it wouldn’t work.”

They both start leaving.

Teen #1: *To [Teen #2].* “Well excuuuuse me for trying to recycle responsibly.”