Welcome! (Updated 9/17/22)

This is The Church of COVID, our members are The Covidians, our doctrine is The Science™. Our religion is still new and evolving, so i'll update this periodically as new revelations come down from on high. This is here so that everyone can stay on the same page.

Structure of the divine pantheon

Dr. Fauci (578 masks be upon him) is our prophet, his body is host to the spirit of public health they are one in the same, he is the most holy being in existence what he says goes.

One tiny step below him is a host of Arch Angels - divine figures of such influence that their pronouncements are used by the Arch Cardinals to create laws and edicts which we must all follow - they must also be praised.

Below the Arch Angels is the Arch Cardinals – divinely inspired humans that lead over some geographical area be it a city, state, province, or entire country, that has used the wisdom of Fauci or the Arch Angels (10K masks be upon them) to design holy policy that protects us all - we hold them in reverence but do not have to praise them when we speak their names.

What is "pfaith"?

"pfaith" is our better version of "faith" that followers of all the other religions (which are false by the way) profess... ours is found through the guiding light of Pfizer, creator of the most blessed, most effective, and most safe of all the vaccines. Any time a Covidian wants to share their holy inspired pfaith with someone else they need only add a silent "p" before all the words that start with "f" and this will show that they are a true pfollower of pfauci, pfizer, and the arch angels that give us our life saving mandates and restrictions!

Why do you say ‘mask(s) be upon him/her/them’ when speaking the names of Fauci (375K MBUH) or one of his Arch Angels?

The Church of COVID demands that divine figures be blessed when speaking their names, the mask is holy, the more masks you wish upon someone the stronger your blessing.

Why are some pictures of The Prophet/Arch Angels/Arch Cardinals unmasked not marked NSFW?

People of this level of esteem are always masked, if you can’t see that you simply do not have enough faith. Begin self-flagellating immediately.

When is it safe to take off my mask(s)?

The answer is NEVER. If you’re alone in your car you must be masked, if you’re in the shower you need to be masked, don’t even think of sleeping without your mask on… The ONLY exception is while SEATED and eating, you may pull down your mask briefly to take a bite or sip – that’s it!

What is The Church’s position on vaccination?

Vaccines are The Great Prophet Fauci’s (736 Vigintillion MBUH) holy sacrament. Everyone should be vaccinated. Get every COVID vaccine. Multiple times. In fact, just get an IV drip of vaccines and take them continuously.

Aren’t you worried about side effects?

There are no vaccine side effects. Every one of what the anti-vaxxers call “side effects” we call spiritual gifts. Spiritual gifts are how you know that Fauci (9378 Billion MBUH) saw that you took the vaccine and has decided to bless you for doing so.

But what about all those athletes and young people randomly keeling over and dying?

Don’t be ridiculous! Those people are dying of Climate Change™, or from leaving the TV on while sleeping, or gardening, or perhaps winter vagina. There is literally no possible way it’s the vaccinations because they are Safe and Effective™.

What happens if I'm Up-To-Date™ on vaccinations and I get COVID anyway?

This is literally impossible because the vaccinations are Safe and Effective™, but if it did you would then need to make a post on social media telling everyone you're isolating in accordance with CDC guidelines and that you are "So Thankful to be Vaxxed and Boosted™".

What is COVID in all this?

COVID is a fallen Arch Angel that possesses Anders Tegnell and is the evil that we fight against and structure our lives around, the coronavirus is the way that COVID takes control of your body, you must avoid this at all costs.

COVID has many Satans that do its bidding and spread evil, lies, and misinformation. Notably the Orange Satan, and Ron DeSatan. We will find others over time.

What happens when I die?

If you are found virtuous enough (no non-Covidians are) you will don your mask of eternal virtue and join Dr. Fauci (5.28 x 10^8 MBUH) in an everlasting Zoom call!

If you are not virtuous enough you will be placed on the ventilator of the damned and cursed to sail a hospital ship on and endless lake of fire and brimstone for eternity.

What is Faucidan?

Faucidan is like the Muslim month of Ramadan but better, it is our great celebration, a holiday of varying length and start date, where we have holy lockdowns, Zoom™ calls, and wear masks even at home to show everyone how virtuous we are.

What happens to people that refuse to take the vaccine?

What awaits them is a Winter of Severe Illness and Death™.

What must I do to obtain virtue?

Members must follow all revelations and dictates from our prophet The Holy Dr. Anthony Fauci (2.6 Billion MBUH) and his Arch Angels.

The commandments are as follows:

1. Thou shalt not take the name of Fauci (11.41 Billion MBUH) or any other divine figures in vain. They must be praised either before or after you speak their names.

2. Thou shalt not be seen without your mask. Your mouth, henceforth known as face anus, and nose, henceforth known as face penis are vile and obscene, cover them up.

3. Thou shalt not touch anything without immediately using hand sanitizer before and after contact.

4. Thou shalt not question The Science™, you will know it is The Science™ because it will agree with The Holy Dr. Fauci (1.3 Trillion MBUH).

5. Thou shalt not come within 6' of another person without a barrier between you.

6. Thou shalt not attend a gathering of more than 10 people, unless it is a BLM rally, then the acceptable number is unlimited.

7. Thou shalt not study statistics for it is foolishness.

8. Thou shalt not study history for it is full of the unmasked.

9. You shall shame others who violate any of these commandments.

10. You shall show the people of the world your virtuousness through social media that they may join us.

Who are the Arch Angels?

We must figure that out. If you think you know who they are post here, if enough people demand it we can put it to a vote.

Here is the current list of confirmed Arch-Angels: Rochelle Walensky, Director of the CDC (5 MBUH), Xi Jinping, President of China (973 MBUH), Daniel Andrews, Premier of Victoria, Australia (297K MBUH), Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of New Zealand (736 Million MBUH), Gladys Berejiklian, Premier of New South Wales Australia, (836 Billion MBUH).

What is the ritual to join The Church?

First you must connect to one or more current members via Zoom™ call as all inductions require witnesses.

1. You will don at least 2 masks and apologize for your nakedness.

2. You will face toward the CDC, kneel, and pray to Fauci (500 Trillion MBUH) that he will forgive you of your sin and denial of The Science™.

3. You will baptize yourself in hand sanitizer to signify your cleansing.

And that’s it, you will be a Covidian and forever saved from the ventilator of the damned, blessed to enjoy a life of upvotes and likes all over the internet!