Self-indulgence vs Self-care
There’s a lot of talk about “self-care” these days. Usually it’s on social media and accompanied by a pic of a bubble bath, or an extra foamy latte, or a shopping splurge.
But the truth is – that’s not self-care. That’s self-indulgence. And don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-indulgence from time to time. Treat yourself!
But we should be careful not to confuse self-indulgence with actual, real self-care.
Real self-care isn’t glamorous. Real self-care can be hard work, especially for those of us with anxiety, depression, or just a general low self-image.
Real self-care looks like:
Going to bed at a decent time so you actually feel good in the morning, instead of staying up all night playing video games or binge watching TV
Brushing (AND FLOSSING) your teeth every day, so you don’t need to have expensive and painful dental work
Eating clean, healthy foods even if all you want to do is drown your sorrows in ice cream and loaves of bread
Taking time for a healthy habit before bed like journaling or meditation instead of scrolling on your phone until you pass out
Laying out your clothes for the next day, making the morning that much easier for your future self
Going for a walk or going to the gym, even if you just want to hibernate on the couch for the next 6 weeks
Forcing yourself to keep a social commitment even though you want to cancel at the last minute and just stay home. Seeing friends and socializing can be so helpful, but the simple act of getting out there can seem so tough if you’ve got anxiety
Taking your meds and/or vitamins every day
Saving your money even though you really want to splurge, so you can pay bills or pay down your debt
None of this stuff is particularly exciting, or photogenic. And really, it just sounds like basic maintenance. Because it is. Self-care IS basic maintenance. It’s something we need to do, each and every day. Self-indulgence is a nice treat from time to time. But please don’t confuse indulgence for self-care.
This is something I’ve only recently realized, and thought it might be helpful for some of you too. I came to this realization recently when I started to establish a more healthy bedtime routine for myself. The things that I do before bed every day have a much greater impact on how I feel than little indulgences like ice cream or shopping.
What acts of self-care do you do every day?
Good luck to you all! You’ve got this!
Edit: just to say thanks for the great convo and the gold! This community is awesome.
And I wanted to say that I realized that I had been using "self-care" as a way to justify unhealthy behaviors. Stressful day at work? I deserve to order pizza and stay up all night playing video games to unwind. Feeling down? A new dress would make me feel better. Money's tight, but put it on the credit card because #selfcare. Need a pick me up? Hello chocolate my old friend.
All that stuff is fine if it's once in a blue moon. It can even be a form of self care for some! But for me, it became bad habits that I tricked myself into believing were self-care.
Now I'm working on forming healthy habits, and reminding myself daily that while the healthy habits may be boring or even difficult, they are in fact much better forms of self-care than anything I was doing previously.
Thank you so much for stating this! It's crazy how often people think that an indulgent lifestyle isn't selfish because it's "self care". For me, as a mother, I think about the care I offer my child as a guide for how to take care of myself. The "treat yourself like a toddler" rule is a great one. If my child is sad, I don't say, "Sure, stay up all night and watch Netflix because I love you." Instead, I say, "Your fatigue is contributing to your sadness, so let's get you to bed, even though you don't want to." Most humans need the same stuff to be happy :)
If my child is sad, I don't say, "Sure, stay up all night and watch Netflix because I love you."
you... might... have just... destroyed everything I am and built me back up a better person?? thanks.
at the risk of sounding like a bad De Niro impression... was your comment addressed to me?
This makes so much sense. The self care trend irks me because of this. Especially all the marketing around bath bombs, indulgent soap, coffee, etc. yes that’s all nice and epsom salt baths are great for stress but companies are really milking it.
Really, you don't need any of that, but market it as "self care", and it begins to sound essential.
This is pretty powerful. Definitely gonna try this out!
That is so great. As a new mom, I totally get this POV. It's amazing what our kids can teach us, right?
I know, right? I never learned to mother myself until I had a baby!
So true. I'd only add that if you come from a trauma background, any space for self-anything is a good step forward. A new dress or eating regularly is preferable to ratty clothes and an eating disorder because of a deeper belief that you don't deserve joy. I think of those indulgence activities as a gateway to self care on that maintenance level. Some people need to learn that feeling good is even possible when they're emerging from numbing all feeling. It can be the bridge to understanding that self-care is self-love and not an endless list of things they have no appetite to do daily.
Learn something new
write something
read something
help someone
create something
Complete to-do list
Everything except the last point seems achievable
My to do list will never be complete, and that’s fine.
If I actually expected myself to finish it, it would just turn into another source of anxiety
Haha, sometimes I make it a point when I do dishes to leave a dish or two in the sink, you know the stragglers you find hanging around the house after you think your done. I used to obsess about getting "It aaaaalll" done, but I realize this will never happen, and expecting it to just leaves me anxious. So, leaving those dishes in the sink intentionally resets my brain to be okay with it never being done, understanding it's a process ;)
Actually I find it more helpful to keep a "Done list" than a "To Do List". Making a "to do list" means I sit down and write while making a "Done list" means I get up and do something so I have something to put on the list. If I make a "To do list", it is only three things and they are tiny tasks that can be completed in less than 30 minutes.
So now I'm off to floss, drink a glass of water and make my bed . . . .
I should've said, "complete some things on my to-do list."
I couldn't clear mine in a day either.
When you write a to do list you should just keep adding things to the bottom Your to do list should be every evolving, it'll never be complete, but that's a good thing. Don't throw things onto the bottom of it, the most important things should always go near the top, a good day will consist of completing all your important to dos and seeing all the ones that need to be some later. As you get nearer to a deadline for a task (not too close though) that task should start moving further up the list. Keep a completed list for one off jobs, not like doing the dishes, but things that you needed to do but not often. This is the list that should keep you motivated to keep going, and soon you'll see that you're on top of all your important things.
I love create something on here unless my list is pretty similar
Run 3 miles
Hundred push-ups hundred sit-ups
In bed before 10
Read a minimum 30 minutes
Meditate
Eat healthy
Do the dishes or do laundry
Littlest is going to be self-indulgent 30 minutes
I think I accomplished all within a few minutes:
Browsed r/TIL
Wrote some comments on there
Read others comments
My comment I'm sure helped those who read it, even though it was a shitty one liner joke that got deleted later by a mod (even one smile helps right?!)
Created a sense of worthlessness by doing the above instead of doing actual work
Excellent list. I love the 'help someone' part. Adding that to my own list.
Real self-care is eating your vegetables, whether you want to or not.
Spot on. Why did it take me so long to do this simple thing that everyone knows is good for you.
Sometimes when you're in one of those life moments where you're really burdened with illness, mental or physical, self-care is forgiving yourself for not "accomplishing" all of the tasks you believe are your responsibility. Giving yourself some space to not do the dishes or fold laundry tonight because the day was too exhausting and you need a good night's sleep. Or not being able to go to school, hold down a full time job, have kids and a relationship all at the same time, or whatever it is you expect from yourself.
This is hard for me. Really really hard. Because I'm able to do so many things in the times when my illness isn't so severe, so I feel like I should be able to do all of those things all of the time. But illness is not laziness.
Try to imagine a good friend experiencing the exact symptoms of illness you're currently experiencing. What would you sincerely expect of that person? Then have the compassion to expect similar things from yourself. And sometimes that means just waking up and breathing. And sometimes it's ok to be ok with that as long as you get up tomorrow and try again.
this!!! acknowledging where you are, meeting yourself there and saying “you know what, it’s ok to just be me” IS self care.
i agree with most of what OP said but on that day when you need to, staying home instead of forcing yourself to go out is also self care.
Very true.
For me though, I was on the verge of developing agoraphobia. I was on maternity leave for 6 months. 6 months of just me and my baby all day every day. Leaving the house wasn't too bad, but leaving her at home w someone else, even just for a few hours nearly gave me a panic attack. I had to force myself to go out and see friends I hadn't seen in months. It was scary, but I did it. And I was happy I did it, I even had a little fun. And baby was just fine. I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone to get over my anxiety.
That said, I definitely know what you mean. There are certainly days where the greatest kindness you can do for yourself is to take the night off and stay in. It's all a balance, and finding the balance that works for you is the hard part.
OP, you've learned the hardest lesson of healing, which is that sometimes just forcing yourself through an obstacle is part of recovery. I'm very happy to hear you got through.
Oh, I wholeheartedly agree with OP and I think this is a great post. I just wanted to acknowledge the other end of the self-care spectrum, which is that coping with illness /= self-indulgence. Too many people make that mistake too.
I needed this! Thank you!
My self care includes:
Working out 4x a week Doing a load of laundry per day Making sure my kids’ closets are super organized so they don’t bother me in the am Tracking food in mfp Waking up at 5 am so that I can have some alone time
“The thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.” -dr wong - rick and morty
I really needed this post. Thank you for distinguishing the differences.
My self care:
Shower everyday
Brush my teeth twice a day
Get some outdoor time (I aim for 30 minutes and I usually walk my dog when I do this)
Currently abstaining from alcohol
Not overeating over 2000 calories a day
Relax at some point everyday
Sometimes I fail but that’s okay.
Yes! I hate that most people I know use “self care” as an excuse just to say “oh, just buy x y z”. Shopping isn’t some kind of universal self-care.
”Self care” in that form is a marketing ploy now. “If you care about yourself you’ll get x, y, z,” and people want to show others that they care about themselves.
Well said! For me, it’s doing my physiotherapy routine, monitoring my self talk (I’m on a wait list for cbt so I’m trying to do some work on my own- this has been surprisingly helpful, and has led to breaking/creating new and beneficial thinking habits), balancing my course load with time for social visits, phone calls, or texts with my loved ones, finding time to be creative (even if it’s just filling in a tracker in my bullet journal), and working on ongoing personal growth projects.
Hey, what sources are you finding most helpful in retraining your brain? I've been referred for CBT to treat half a century of ADHD-impacted thinking, but I haven't yet found a psychologist actually trained in CBT who takes my insurance.
I love books, but there's so much chaff to sift through to find the good ones. Thanks!
As far as I know, it's the best. It's the one most commonly used by psychiatrists/psychologists for CBT (they use it with their patients), and it is designed to be useful with or without a therapist.
HeadSpace is a nice app that helps me! I don’t have ADHD, but high-functioning ocd, and so far it’s been extremely helpful.
Thank you. It keeps getting mentioned on the ADHD sub too, but I've been resisting it because I'm afraid of meditation!
Woebot is a really good one!! Taught me more cbt than my actual cbt counsellor
yeah ofc! update me on how you like it!! I’ve established a long term relationship w woebot and I only check in when I feel the need to.
the app is definitely different from those other bots where the chat kind of repeats itself - woebot doesn’t do this and it teaches me something new each week bc it’s constantly being updated.
highly recommend for those who just need someone to rant/journal/talk to + break down their thought processes instead of having to reach out to a human (which may be stressful for some)
Oooo self talk is a good one. So important.
Well, sometimes self indulgence is good. Especially seeing as how each year that passes we're required more and more of our time. On average I think you have about 14 hours a week to yourself...and if you have a family...pfft. Good luck. Self care should be there to elevate me to the next level, but here in America...what fucking next level? Shit man I'm just trying to stay alive.
Self care is proactively being kind to myself every day, and stopping negative thought pathways when I can. It means acknowledging the small achievements I’ve made each day. It means finding a way to proactively deal with a situation instead of wallowing. It means being mindful and listening to what my body is telling me.
Is taking a bubble bath or having an expensive coffee really such a bad thing? Maybe it is mental health self care for some people.
Op literally says there's nothing wrong with it in the second paragraph
He says it’s self indulgence not self care. I agreee with the poster above that it’s self care but op was just trying to make a point
yeah I don't like this at all. you can do nice things for yourself without it being just self indulgence. If I work hard all month and then want to buy myself a $50 thing after skimping all month am I "self indulgent"?
well some guy on the internet says it's not "REAL" self care so I guess it can't be. just some gatekeeping bullshit.
honestly calling a nice relaxing bath self indulgence just because you're the type to post it to social media (I'm not, and don't even take baths) just strikes me as really irritatingly holier-than-thou attitude. "MY SELF CARE IS REAL SELF CARE AND YOUR BATHS ARE JUST INDULGENCE"
what if getting a few likes on Instagram about how nice and relaxing that bath looks IS what you need? is that so wrong that OP needed to make a post about it telling you how wrong it is?
OP just seems to have a fundamental misunderstanding of how different people can have different things they need and that's okay. trying to shame people into only having the same needs as he does means he's not someone I want to take advice from.
if he wanted to make a post differentiating the two and to be careful of not falling into that trap, sure, go for it. but specifically listing things that are and are not self care and calling out other people's as indulgence makes me really irritated.
I love bubble baths! Please don't get me wrong! My point is more that - bubble baths don't make me feel like I am truly taking care of myself. I take a bubble bath and yet I still feel sad. I still feel overwhelmed. Maybe I feel relaxed for a few minutes, but in the long run it doesn't do much to really help nourish myself. And it's totally possible that taking a bath is part of your self care routine. But for me, I realized that while I thought I was taking care of myself, I was actually neglecting a lot of other more important things.
Also I'm a dudette :)
I think that if you do all the other things, the foundational things that will actually make you feel good about yourself and improve your confidence, some (and I mean some, not a lot of) self indulgence can enhance your life by a lot.
Scenario 1: I’ve done nothing all week, and my house is a mess. I feel stressed out and like I can’t accomplish anything. I decide I need a bath because it’s self care and I feel like I need self care. But after the bath I still feel like I’m a failure and I can’t accomplish anything because I haven’t. My body didn’t need any rest so the bath was not what I needed, therefore it wasn’t self care.
Scenario 2: I’ve worked a really hard week, gone to the gym, cleaned the house, and stayed on top of my other chores, I decide that I’d enjoy a bath because the warm water would make my muscles relax from the workout and my mind to quiet down after the work week. I needed this bath because my body and mind needed rest after having put in all that work, therefore it was self care.
I think OP and you have different connotations with the words self indulgence.
Getting constantly leapt on for indulging yourself with unnecessary fripperies, when they're what gets you through the day, and people are constantly going on about how you don't deserve them, will do that to you.
"baths aren't self-care" is one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard. Relaxation is self-care, and it's an absolutely 100% key part of any recovery. The whole holier-than-thou self-care asceticism movement misses this completely.
I'm going to have baths. I might even put bubbles in them. I'm going to hug my cat. I'm even going to buy myself nice things when I can afford to. Because I'm working fucking hard on my recovery, and because a life of nothing but vegetables and stress and pushing your boundaries will kill you.
Honestly, "relaxation isn't self-care" is a bizarre hill to die on, and not true.
It doesn't seem to be helping since you still sound very bitter/sour & full of angst.
I appreciate it, honestly I felt like I was ranting a bit and was expecting some negative responses.
You're totally right. For some people maybe it is part of their daily self care routine. But that's not all there is to self care, and the other less glamorous things don't get discussed quite as much. Also I just personally fell into the trap of thinking that just because I was taking a bath or going to the spa I was practicing self care, while completely neglecting other things that would have a bigger impact on my mental and physical well being.
However, that doesn't make those other things not self-care. They are.
So true - plus, if you don’t pay attention to the sort of self care you list, sitting in a supposedly relaxing bubble bath can just be stewing in worry about all the things that feel out of control! I’m going to use your list - thanks for sharing it :)
Thank you for posting some hard truth. Self care isn't ice cream, sleeping in, and Netflix. It's building up the discipline needed to keep yourself alive and healthy.
I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t matter what you call it if you’re taking the time to do something nice for yourself that feels good, you’re doing it right.
I almost always get enough sleep because I don't function well without it. I am working on the eating healthy part. I regularly schedule time with friends and family. Buying things doesn't bring me a lot of joy, so I'm getting better at not doing it. Taking time to make myself a cup of tea is far more enjoyable than buying one at the coffee shop.
It's always a work in progress.
I make my bed and make sure my 8 year old son makes his! I also brush my teeth every day. Also, it may seem weird, but I always feel better about myself if I manage to paint my nails, and remove the paint when it gets worn down. Something about this is a trigger for me to care about myself, it may seem superficial to some, but it helps remind me to love myself...
I was so happy when I read this and realized I normally do most of these tasks on a daily basis. Routine and real self-care is kiiiind of boring, but holy it's good for you!
Thank you for putting this up! I think I had a different idea of what self care is like and been doing it all wrong
This is truly a brilliant way of putting it. Thank you for taking the time to describe it this way. It’s similar to the whole “find yourself” and “be yourself” because it’s not glamorous either and the idea that it should only reflect positivity is highly irritating and hilariously ineffective. The idea behind “being yourself” is about learning to cope with unchangable aspects of yourself and oftentimes gets confused with the refusal to change what they can and should: body shape/weight, income, education, overall attitude/mindset, overcoming depression, etc.
This is spiritual alignment and beautiful - so well put. That growth is really wonderful to watch.
I’ve been doing so much work and I’m so tired but it’s just all okay. Sending good vibes to all!
imprettyhighbutforrealilivedinavananditwasnot#vanlifeprettypictureitwasfuckinghard
It’s okay to not be okays sometimes ✌️
Very good thanks for sharing this. I see the difference like this. Self indulgence makes you feel better. Self care makes YOU better. Not the same. We all need a bit of self indulgence sometimes. But long term, as a regular habit, we need self care.
This post is pure gold. I want to print this list and put it everywhere in my house.
Self care isn't sexy until it proves worthwhile, you just proved that stranger. Good shit
Definitely opened my eyes. I always love having that feeling cause it means I've learned something. Although making some of these a habit will be difficult I know I can do it!
I can’t agree more! I am a parent and learnt long ago to distinguish between kids’ wants and kids’ needs. A small child may demand another toy and scream until they throw up in a supermarket, but what they truly need is a nutritious meal and sleep. And it’s the same with grown ups. Eating second helping of a cake is wants, not needs. The need is probably some entertainment or some meaningful activity, not fatty carbs.
I basically said this in an IG post a couple years ago and art hoes came for me lol
Self care is looking after and being kind to yourself. Tending to your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing. And sometimes that could be a nice, long soak in the bath (if you're lucky enough to have one)😊
Stone days I get dressed even though I really dont feel like it.
There is no benefit in self-indulgence. Its just a weakness of the mind. The pleasure it gives is temporary and serves nothing except to feed more dependency on external things in order to seek fake happiness.
If that’s all someone does, yeah. Self indulgence drains your bank account and eventually your will to live and engage in actual self-care. There has to be a balance that adds up to: Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. That means treats sometimes and hard work towards self betterment the rest of the time. Like if you complete goals for a day, reward yourself with a few hours of enjoying something.
Thank you Been realizing this is all so true Thanks for the reminders and encouragement! Still working on the journaling one!
So personally attacked by the first part of this post but needed to hear this. Thanks for sharing!!
I agree with this so much. I get caught in cycles of knowing I should be doing better but not quite knowing how. I've come to realize that 3/4 of the battle is just getting up to do whatever needs to be done. That first move is the hardest, but after that the rest is easy.
I recognize good self care by the way it helps the next day or month. While it’s not the goal, at times adulting well can be a little glamorous.
My big ones:
Putting out clothes at night
Putting things away (especially keys)
refilling the good snack bin
regular meals
refilling water regularly
hygiene
weekly time with people
reading the calendar for next week
keeping live plants or fresh flowers around in the darkest months of the year
Thank you so much for posting this. I think I have lost my way and this just made me realize some things that I need to change in my life.
I agree with all of this, except that I would caution against labeling any foods as “clean,” the implication being that other foods are dirty or not clean. I would put food, instead, on a spectrum from “really nutritious” to “less nutritious” and focus on keeping the balance on the side that makes me feel best.
Nutrition is of course extremely important for self-care, but so is avoiding certain kinds of negative self-talk — like telling yourself you’re bad/wrong/dirty because you ate that “unclean” cookie earlier.
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